My fiancé and I are currently in couples therapy after a very unstable period in our relationship (four years of multiple breakups and reconciliations, including a recent breakup that we’ve since re-committed to working on). All of this is a huge red flag, I know, but the love is there and the toxicity boils down to how he gets overwhelmed when things are bad, and just decides a breakup is the most appropriate.
During our last breakup, I was extremely emotionally overwhelmed and leaned on a couple of mutual friends for support. I genuinely believed the relationship was over at the time. I didn’t share private details about him or try to “turn people against him,” but I did talk about the situation because I was struggling and needed support.
I had gone to them purely because I had no one else, and I was in full breakdown mode. They supported me and they are not the type of people that choose sides - since he seemed so committed to the decision, I didn't think repair was possible anyway. I didn't say anything too bad, just the situation, my confusion. I cried a lot. When we decided to reconcile I told him I'd gone to them, and he said it wasn't a problem. As the days move forward, it's like he keeps auditing things that were said, who knows, etc.
I walked into their house knowing I made a mistake. But I'd gotten so close to them over the last year and had no one else. I kept asking for reassurance that they wouldn't change their minds about him. I just needed support, advice, ideas on how to tell my (Arab) mother that the engagement was off.
I understand why that would feel uncomfortable for him, especially in hindsight, and I’ve reassured him that nothing negative was said about him. But the repeated questioning about who knows what is starting to feel like it’s keeping us stuck in the same cycle instead of moving forward. I feel utterly hopeless, especially that he wants to cut them off which feels wrong and makes me feel a lot of guilt.
We are trying to rebuild trust and communication, and we’re also in therapy, but I’m not sure how to handle this specific issue in a way that both acknowledges his feelings without me feeling like I have to account for every detail of what happened during a breakup, especially when it happened the way it did.
TLDR: How do couples typically handle situations where one partner feels exposed after a breakup and struggles with mutual friends knowing about it? And how do you stop the “who knows what” loop from damaging the relationship further?