I’m 34M, my wife is 40F. I’m not confrontational and honestly just want peace, but the tension between my wife (jamaican) and my Russian parents has become exhausting. Initially posted summarized version, here's with more details.
Everything was relatively manageable but last year around April things got out of hand. Over a video call when my parents (mother and father) were talking and making fun with kids (6yr and 3yr boys) my dad was making faces, as he normally does, and showing tongue like a tease na-na-nana-na, when my wife saw it, she start to make a big deal out of it like it was inappropriate etc insinuating that tongue display was sexual. I had to be stern with father not to do that again, I mean considering her upbringing it could be understandable, even-though it was innocent. Still this was acceptable but caused tension, but later in the evening after our fight discussing this she sent a hurtful and disrespectful message to my father after which he completely blocked her out of the phone saying that behavior is unacceptable, etc, while not directly blaming father but insinuating that she's basically calling him a predator. Up till now father does not communicate with her, until she apologizes but she did not and will apologize for this as she thinks she is in the right and doesn't like my father. Since then up till now father also don't want to be anywhere near my wife (which will also become important later). My mom didn't like that either but was still open in terms of communication.
Prior to that incident mother and brother agreed to travel over to us (in USA) from Canada to help with birth of my third son in late May. After the incident when the time was coming around, mother and brother didn't come. We were upset at that and that they didn't come help. During our current disagreements my wife always brings this up that she didn't come and help with the child when we were by ourselves and needed help. I treat it like, you know, things happen, it sucks but I don't hold a grudge, even-though it might have been because of prior incident, but my wife still holds a grudge for that and keeps bringing it up.
Later on the summer was relatively fine, we always come over to Canada for summer, we live in a cottage during this time. Even-though she was upset that mother didn't come, she was the one to actually surprise my mom with the newly born baby boy, which I didn't expect, but was pleasantly surprised by. Over the summer every other week or so I was coming over to my parents and leaving kids with them for the weekend, then picking them up.
Then we're in a situation that while living in US my wife can't legally work here (reasons I will not go into) as visitor, but bills need to be paid, so currently we're in a situation where she has to work in Canada and I work and live in US. The arrangement is that every month or month and a half my wife and my third newborn son come over for few weeks while I'm staying in US with my two eldest boys, then go back to Canada, so my wife can work. By the end of summer we were looking for a live-in babysitter ideally, because my mother works and is not retired, so she can't help with the kids that often. My mother was working part-time at the time so she was willing to accomodate my wife's work schedule up to about November, which also meant that they needed to always arrange meet ups as my parents like 1.5hr away and my mother is not confident to drive on a highway. So meetups were usually about half way. Later on we did find babysitters, one was a mother of a friend, then another friend's associate and then next a cousin throughout the year, but one thing she constantly brings up also about my mother now is that she couldn't keep helping take care of the baby every week. (for context my mother then went back to working full time and she's not even retired yet)
Throughout the year while we had babysitters now, my mother was ready to take of my son, but she was asking my wife, just let me know when. My wife said I'll let you know, you can ask anytime, but blames my mother for not requesting to see and take care of the baby. My mother claims that she was just waiting for my wife to tell her availability, and while I agree that my mother could have been more proactive in asking to see my son on weekends or vacations, I also think its understandable considering the prior incident why my mother wouldn't be as forthcoming as normal.
Then comes a weird situation when I had to come to Canada for family reasons after new year. This will be important: my mother, father and brother usually used to come over to US to visit us once a year after new year holidays, and this year I invited them over end of February, but they couldn't make it, so also because I was coming over and we could spend some time together, they decided they will come over to US in May. So anyway I come over to Canada, the plan was I spend Friday and Saturday with my mother, and father and brother, and then because of work, my wife would pick me up in on Sunday, then spend Sunday and Monday with them until going back. I'll also come clean here, sometimes in the past our family reunions could get quite rowdy where me and father would drink, but honestly since then I don't drink like I did in my younger days, and it wasn't the case here, but my wife always brings it up, brings up the past about how I always get drunk with my father. So as I come on Friday, we were having nice family gathering, eating dinner, watching movie, then my wife start to interrupt with messages that she's going to come over pick me up, then finally saying I should come over Saturday (next day) to help clean snow for some BS reason that basement might flood (in the end that was BS reason as I found out). Next day Saturday, even-though I was supposed to still spend the day with my parents, I obviously then asked my parents to drop me off (1.5hr drive) in cottage thinking something was urgent regarding flooding, although I will not mention how my wife was supposed to pick me up Sunday due to work, but then she cancelled Saturday work, and didn't want to meet my parents somewhere half way (i did mention it). I was also having a suggestion that maybe then parents could spend the day there with me, but in the end they just decided to drop me off and go back. When they dropped me off, my father didn't bother to come inside the cottage where my wife was, my mother did and have nice civil conversation. So now in the argument my wife brings up the fact that my father didn't go in to cottage as offensive, and that they didn't spend the day there like they 'planned' even though it was just my suggestion.
Parents dropped me off, then spending Saturday, Sunday and Monday was normal and fine, like nothing is happening. Went back to US and that was it for a while.
Bear with me, getting close. Next is coming around April, me and my wife and kids chilling. I mention that my mother, father and brother are going to be coming in May. Good lord, I wouldn't hear the end of it. I was trying to say, like before, they couldn't come in February, so I said fine, they postponed it to May. My wife was getting upset, saying that why they want to come now, when she's not around (mind you they ordered tickets in advance since February, they couldn't know when my wife was here or not), while they didn't care to come help last year with the baby. Saying they don't care about me or my kids, they don't like her, bringing up everything from the past that my mother this and that, didn't ask to care for the baby enough, don't call/text her to check on baby (while my mother has to ask me how the baby is doing), claiming my mother don't care about her grandkids because she don't call and check up on them (while my mother calls every Saturday to talk to my eldest sons who are with me). Then bringing up the fact that my brother didn't help out with the kids while he was over in the summer visiting us in the cottage, like changing diaper of my youngest, taking eldest for walks, making some food/snack for them, etc. Just the whole bag of nagging, feelings and being upset.
This is where I spotted the most disturbing behavior, next day we had this argument as soon as she wakes up, she's again on a crusade, but this time messaging me that my family doesn't care, she will just drop off my youngest son to my parents and let them take of my kids, then do what she need/want to do and get away, and divorce me. Earlier for unrelated case to this we also had a disagreement about me saying that we should do decisions as a family (related to other topics), she claimed the same thing, she would leave my son with my parents, divorce me and be on her way. Then she also message a bunch of BS to my mother about similar topics, things like she (my mother) didn't help during my youngest baby delivery last year, that she wasn't there for my sons births, that they don't want me and my wife together, my father is out there just to get me drunk, that she'll make sure the kids hate her for not being there, etc. But after the argument everything becomes like nothing happened.
Little time goes on, she goes back to Canada with my baby son to work. Comes around May, and I'm writing this a day before my mother, father and brother are supposed to fly to visit me. Out of nowhere my wife decides now to ask if my mother would like to have my youngest over for the weekend, while my mother says that they're flying to me. (To be honest this worked out, because I'm probably wrong, but I didn't feel to even bring it up at all and was not going to tell my wife they even came over). Things are out in the open again, this time in the morning I thought she wouldn't cause a ruckus, she said have fun and hope things don't be out of control to my mother in text. Then going on and on about these accusations again while on the phone with me in the afternoon bringing up same points, my mother is this and that didn't want to help with the baby, my brother didn't help with kids last summer, they don't like her, threatening that she will just grab a ticket and show up and cause a scene with them, that she should just drop my youngest again with my mother and leave, if she ever encounter them that she will be super rude (even-though my family was never rude to her or did/say nothing rude to her), etc.
I mean I can understand some points, but I think this is going too far at this point. I don't know whether she'll go crash our reunion or not, I'm sure I'll also again get a wall of text with accusations again. I'm at a stage in my life I just want peace, and I'm getting fed up with this drama. We wanted to also have more kids, but on multiple occasions she said out loud to me that she will go off on my parents if she ever encounter them and that she would leave my youngest with my parents and leave, and I think that's also a giant red flag. Btw, my mother said that when my wife sent the messages to her she also said that she will divorce me and leave the youngest with me, and then deleted the message in WhatsApp after.