Is this caregiver burnout? How can I save or give up the relationship? (20M, 20F)
I have been dating this girl for about 8 months, was friends with her for 5 months before that. Shes studying to be a doctor and im an ECE student working 2 part time jobs, so we both have very busy schedules. Given how close we got, our natures, and our busy schedules, I basically half-moved in with her very soon, around 3 months in basically (I was spending 4 days at her and 3 days at my parents for example). So we mostly work in parallel.
She has depression, a shitload of anxiety and autism, so naturally I try to help her any way I can. After I "moved in" she went from the odd 1 light meal a day, 3-4 hours of sleep, and a very messy and kinda dirty house, to eating 3 meals a day, homecooked food too, sleeping 6-7 hours, and drinking more water. Reduced her living cost too even tho she doesnt have a problem w money. I was there for her emotionally, made her feel safe, was her voice of reason when anxiety creeped in, made her feel her first moments of happiness since she was around 10, per her words. Ive learned how to cook, both lunch and sweets, and made her thoughtful and handcrafted gifts (even including a program for her bday). Im the "wife" in short, as we ourselves say.
Im debating on ending this this friday. Kinda now or wayyy later if not now. Im completely burnt out. Really dont know how to weigh things.
I know she loves me. I have no fear of her leaving me out of the blue. Or abandoning me in light of someone else. But she doesnt show it at all. She attacks the relationship ("if you did this id leave you", with this exact line being said like 5 or 6 times, even if it wasnt relevant, while ive addressed it and she knows i wont do it), she doesnt stand up for me in front of her friends (friends of hers gave her the "so long as youre happy" and she said nothing, others use derogatory language to describe my pacified nature, and she says its bc they like me that they say it), she doesnt mention me at all when talking to anyone (her mom calls, she says: "i booked a holiday", not we booked, not me n my bf booked. When we plan a date, its always im going out, never we or me n my bf similarly. Like she tries to hide me. Even tho allegedly both her friends and her parents are pretty fond of me). This all feels disrespectful to me. I brought some of these up. What I got was "that was not my intention, sorry." But a sorry just isnt enough after a while.
But those dont compare to the meat and potatoes of my gripes. For starters, im a man of the "middle road", and shes either black or white. She cant function on the middle road, and given how its the most efficient one and how i dislike anything unoptimized, it pisses me off. Shell either be high on adrenaline or bored. If she doesnt study for more than 10h a day she thinks shes lazy. If she doesnt get a 10 on every exam shes dumb and stupid in her mind. If she isnt a toothpick shes fat. You get the gist.
After that, she cant grasp the mere idea of bettering herself. Since we had a similar situation a while ago, i promised to be there for her when she falls down, so long as she is always trying to get better. Now when i bring up issues concerning her behaviour towards me shes all "thats just who i am". That feels suffocating to me. Especially as someone who has been "grinding" tirelessly for the past 3 years to be the best version of myself.
Moreover, she creates problems and drowns in em, and cant uphold any of her responsibilities outside of academia. If theres a 50 page cheatsheet for a course she can get done if a few days, shell spend weeks studying the textbook bc "thats just what profs suggest", when she says she "just wants to get this class over w", even if she wont have to meddle with it in her residency later. Then shell bitch abt how the syllabus is too big and how she cant get it over w. Also she has skipped so many psychologist sessions for exams n all. And she wont do anything for herself or her enjoyment / happiness bc shell say "ok, you find me the 3 hours i need to do that".
Most damaging. I cant express how i feel without her breaking down. Whenever im sad due to what she did, if i tell her, shell feel like she fucked everything up, like im about to leave (even if i start the conversation saying the exact opposite), and the psychosomatics will start, nausea, vomiting, trembles, itchiness, convulsions, migraines, n more symptoms, a large chunk of em for the next day. Ik im not responsible for how she feels. And how i too have a say on how i feel and how i want to be treated. But i cant put someone i love thru hell.
What sucks about this all is that i really do love her. We have so many similarities, shared interests and a common future planned out. I really wanna stay and uphold my promise but idk how much more left i have left in me. Current option im weighing most is to come talk to her about all my issues, if she wants to addresses em and believes she can genuinely do so, good, ill be patient, id say abt for 6 months after she starts her medication after her psychiatrist visit. If no, then well both be fucked but itll be for the best probably.
As im writing this im just listening to let down staring at the codebase im supposed to be working on. But i genuinely cant be arsed to touch or study anything. I dont think i can think anymore today. Ive alr talked to friends but rlly need more input. I cant function as things stand.