PTSD - Domestic violence and Sexual Grooming.
I am a 26 year old female, who has an 8 year old son. I had a tough and abusive childhood, which culminated in me starting a relationship as a 16 year old with a 47 year old man. This was enabled and agreed upon by my mother. who made it seem like a good thing. it was my safe space for a short while until he got me pregnant deliberately. I was instantly financially dependent and I was kept at home as a stay at home between my mom and him for 6 years. No creche, or kindergarten or even my mom assisting with childcare. It continued to be abusive - my mom would physically and psychologically abuse me, and he would cheat on me, stalk me and abuse me as well.
I managed to work myself out of the situation by getting a bursary and studying remotely after hours. I called every law firm in a 5 mile radius and then got a job in my last year of studies. I now work as a baby lawyer awaiting admission and have filed for divorce and took on both my mom and husband.
The backlash was severe but I'm finally in a position where I am getting somewhere after months of 1 step forward and 3 steps back - I was able to document enough of the abuse to be believed in a court of law. The physical abuse, stalking and betrayal that ensued has caused me to develop a sleeping disorder I was not sure was even possible, where I have night terrors and I walk and talk in my sleep. I am medicated and trying to do all the right things. However the one thing that was more traumatising than being betrayed by my mother to this man, the physical abuse where he threatened to kill me and take my son, the deliberate unhelpfulness of the police, who work with my husband - is the women who are telling me I knew what I was getting in to and what was I thinking and that my situation amounts a to a toxic relationship that I chose and I must take responsiblity for it.
All I knew at 16 was that I consented to a way out of my unsafe world to the safety that was on offer. I did not ask for the violence, and I did not benefit in any way, and I have taken responsibility by doing all the things for me and my son to keep us safe. I just refuse to take responsibility to the extent that decreases my soon-to-be ex-husband's guilt in this. I know I am not guilty of anything but being a young mother and wife. I did not lie, I did not abuse, I did not, not do my part and took steps to get my son out of this situation. Even if I wanted to, I never acted in bad faith towards anyone, as opposed to my mom who would tip off my ex whenever I tried to escape, or him being abusive. However I am saddled with an immense grief that I do not know how to work through, specifically the shame. What to do?