u/Ladyloki852

I’m looking for advice from people who have navigated complicated but loving relationships where there are real concerns about trust, safety, accountability, and long-term stability.

I’m in my mid-20s and my partner is in his 40s. We have been together for almost a year and a half and we love each other a lot. He is genuinely a good person in many ways, treats me well overall, has done a lot to improve himself in ways I have pointed out I wanted/needed and I know he truly loves me. He has a lot of amazing qualities and has been through a lot in his life, including losing his father, which deeply affected him.

One of the biggest struggles in our relationship is that he has 3 past DUIs. #1 right after his father passed, #2 on the anniversary of that passing, and #3 several years later but he refused the breathalyzer so they didn’t have evidence to convict but he did have weed in the car. Charges were reduced to a misdemeanor (I think) but he still lost his license for years. He was eligible for reinstatement but had weed in his system from having smoked a few weeks prior when he went for the piss test at ASAP. Has fully abstained from weed the last 2 years since as a result (not intending to keep it that way forever though.) I don’t have an issue with him smoking weed as long as it’s not at the cost of another DUI/DWI.

The DUIs all happened years ago and he is just now reaching the point where he can get his license back following the ASAP setback. This is something that gives me a tremendous amount of anxiety about our future together.

To be clear, he does acknowledge that the DUIs were wrong and dangerous, and he says he has no desire to ever be in that situation again. He does not want to hurt me, himself, or anyone else, and he absolutely does not want to go to prison or repeat those mistakes. At the same time, he struggles with making absolute guarantees because he says he cannot predict the future with certainty. He also sometimes frames the situations in ways that leave me emotionally conflicted. As an example, him saying he doesn’t drink often enough to consider himself an alcoholic, that some situations involved feeling targeted due to prior offenses, or that he did not feel impaired while driving even though drinking was involved. So I sometimes struggle to feel fully emotionally settled even though I know he has also made positive changes and growth over the years.

Outside of the DUI issue, we also struggle with communication and emotional cycles (much of this is a result of myself and my insecurities in the overarching situation. I struggle with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and as a result I have a tendency to fall into a very black/white pattern of thinking which makes perspective more difficult to grasp.)

We love each other and have a lot of fun together, but we also argue a lot. I often feel anxious and emotionally unsettled, while he feels criticized and like I’m too hard on him. I feel like I sometimes have to push for issues to be addressed until I’m emotionally exhausted, and then once I reach my breaking point things improve temporarily before the cycle starts again.

We also have some political/value differences, concerns about long-term compatibility, and struggles with intimacy/sexual connection lately and I think a LOT of this is from my overall disappointment/frustration with the situation and anxiety it causes me, especially because I can’t make decisions for him and I have control issues (admittedly a flaw of my own).

I feel very torn because this is the healthiest relationship I’ve had in many ways, but I still feel chronically uncertain and anxious inside it. I love him deeply and would be devastated to lose him, but I also sometimes feel emotionally exhausted and afraid about the future.

I do not want to control him or become someone who constantly monitors or punishes their partner. I also don’t want to ignore legitimate concerns and end up looking naive or foolish later if something happened again.

We have been wading the waters of uncertainty for a while and as a result are teetering whether or not we can continue the relationship as I am not sure if I can feel comfortable as things are. So I’m trying to figure out what healthy boundaries and expectations actually look like in a situation like this so that we can possibly work on things and see if it is worth staying together or not. To pilot this, I am considering the idea of a “trial” summer where we take a step back and I can observe how changes are implemented or not while not completely cutting the relationship off.

For people who have been in relationships involving past DUIs, addiction concerns, rebuilding trust, or long-term accountability:

- What boundaries helped you feel emotionally safe?

- What are some actionable requests/requirements I can discuss with him to not only help me, but help him in maintaining accountability? (Therapy? AA?)

- What expectations were reasonable versus controlling?

- What kinds of accountability measures actually helped rebuild trust?

- How do you balance compassion for someone’s growth with realistic caution?

- What signs showed you someone was truly unlikely to repeat past behavior?

- What would you need to see from a partner in order to feel comfortable building a future together?

- How do you support someone without becoming responsible for “saving” them?

- How do you know whether your anxiety is intuition versus fear/attachment issues?

- What kinds of agreements or boundaries around drinking/driving helped your relationship?

- Is it reasonable to need practical protections (financial/legal/emotional) while still loving someone deeply?

I know this is a lot and in many ways I feel like I make boo-boo the fool look like a genius. But, I am still in love with him and he is genuinely a well intentioned person. I want him to thrive and I want happiness for myself. I am hoping for honest perspectives from people who have navigated something similar successfully or unsuccessfully. I love him very much and I’m trying to approach this with honesty, maturity, compassion, and realism rather than denial or panic. Is there any hope of redemption for him and for us?

TL;DR: I deeply love my partner and he’s genuinely a good person, but he has 3 past DUIs and I struggle with anxiety about our future because of it. He says he never wants to be in that position again and has made positive changes, but he struggles with making absolute guarantees and sometimes explains the situations in ways that leave me feeling unsettled. We love each other a lot but also argue often, and I’m trying to figure out what healthy boundaries/accountability should realistically look like so I can feel safe without becoming controlling or too naive. Is there any redemption?