Hi guys! So I’m currently working with a trauma therapist regarding the abuse I experienced with my husband. I am…confused. I still have good moments with him, love him, we act like a couple a lot but it’s complicated. He has a history of hitting me, raping me, cheating, choking and is on probation for a past assault of someone else. We have three kids together. We’ve been together since he was 16 and I was 18. I’m 29f and he’s 31m.
The things is…he hasn’t been as abusive. I mean within the year there’s been coercion (I say no, but he begs until I give in), he’s had sex with me in my sleep…but I froze and went along with it. I try to withdraw/go cold because my trauma therapist wants me to leave in a couple months once our lease expires and I genuinely do want a divorce despite our “good moments”. But he pushes constant emotional/marriage talks. Is reading all the therapy books and has the language. Is attending therapy. Is a good dad. Plans dates. He recently talked sexually with another girl on Discord and also met up with this same girl after lying saying he had to work late (I read messages). His justification was that I want a divorce.
Saying this out loud…it feels silly asking but…I can’t see it as “that bad”. I don’t know if it’s even a question. Maybe I’m disassociated? I don’t feel like I feel…what I should feel. I have diagnosed insomnia, anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, CPTSD…but there’s even a disconnect there. It doesn’t feel related.
He’s begging for another chance the marriage. Marriage therapy. Saying he’ll do better. All the things…
I don’t know what I’m asking…maybe is it that bad? Does it make sense to reach out for DV resources if the bad stuff happened only a year ago? Why don’t I feel it as heavily as it seems most people do? Why do I still enjoy his presence if it was…that bad and do I leave anyway if I do?
Just…all these things makes reaching out to resources hard because I have heavy imposter syndrome if that’s applicable in this case. I’m also not working (yet). Every job I get I end up losing because I get daily panic attacks/crying spells. I’ve missed interviews for same reason. I have one that I interviewed for and I think I did well on but I don’t know if I’ll get it so I just have to keep applying. I don’t drive because he’s put down my driving skills and I don’t have a lot of friends… so there’s that as well. He helps me with getting meds in the morning, occasionally getting out of bed, is easy on me about chores and helps out around the house. Anyone from the outside looking in would say he’s a dream husband. Would appreciate…any form of response I guess on an outside take? Would I be eligible for DV resources?