can't find a job. can't afford insurance without a job. can't afford medicine even WITH insurance. can't afford food without a job. can't qualify for SNAP without a job. no car for gig work or delivery. 50% of online listings are scams. trying to apply in person gets "you have to apply online."
i've applied to at least a hundred places in the last year, some multiple times, and i've gotten four interviews. all of them seemed to have gone very well but i never got hired. walmart responded to my application on indeed and called me in and offered me a role but THEN told me to go home and apply on THEIR website and do their stupid employee assessment, which i've taken and failed probably 6 times by now because i literally cannot fucking decipher what they want me to answer. i've tried brain-off retail robot, ass-kisser manager's pet, combinations of the aforementioned, full soul-bared honesty, and i get disqualified every time. i've got retail experience, i KNOW how to work in a store, but these garbage fucking online personality tests are designed so terribly specifically to filter out anyone who thinks too much and i'm so fucking tired of it.
and all while this is happening i'm busy just... slowly dying! i'm living in a rooming house that's infested with bugs and mice that i'm only able to stay in because the state socialized my rent to clear my bed in the homeless shelter. i'm hemorrhaging mine and other peoples' borrowed money to survive and pay for necessities and the odd bit of escapism here and there just to stop myself from walking into traffic. i have to walk a mile through the roughest part of town to do my own laundry because i don't know ANYONE locally with a car that can (or wants to) help. and my lease is going to be expiring in about 2 months as well! awesome!
and the worst part is that i'm LUCKY compared to a lot of people. i have a roof over my head and a pillow to rest it on at night. i have a refrigerator with food in it. i have a door that i can lock and a room i can call my own. and it's *still* so fucking painful just to live that i don't understand how anyone in my position, let alone anyone worse off, is making it right now. i know they're not doing it sober because i sure ain't.
what are we supposed to fucking do, man? i'm just so tired. i'm so, so tired. i haven't gotten an actual break in five entire years and i can't keep the fight up anymore.
edit: emotional breakdown mostly over. i had some lunch and cleared my head on a short walk. thank you to everyone who expressed patience and understanding, and thank you to everyone offering advice and emotional support as well. i'm not super proud of this vent post but i needed to get it out and i appreciate you all for taking the time to put a hand on my shoulder.