u/LA_MWA

I (F22) have been seeing this discourse ALL over TikTok recently and I genuinely want to understand people’s perspectives on it because I feel like there’s so much nuance getting lost.

I think it started because of an interview with Victoria Monét where she talked about her experiences with women, and now people are debating whether a woman can actually call herself bisexual if she’s attracted to women sexually/romantically but only sees herself marrying or seriously dating a man.

A lot of people in these discussions are saying that if a woman says “I’d sleep with a woman but I’d only marry a man,” it’s inherently misogynistic because it reduces women to sexual experiences instead of serious life partners. And I’m trying to understand that perspective, but I also feel conflicted about it.

For context, I’m 22 and I’ve considered myself bisexual for years. I kind of discovered my attraction to women through exposure to gay culture and honestly even through adult content growing up. Even when I watched heterosexual content, my focus was always on the woman.

When I got to college, especially because I went to a theater arts school, a lot of my friends were gay and were basically like “girl… you are not straight” LMAO. And I used to be like “no I’m straight, I just would sleep with women.” Which obviously sounds insane in hindsight 😭

Since then I’ve kissed women, had sex with women, been physically intimate with women, etc. But I’ve never dated a woman or been in a relationship with one. I know I may get torn apart for this, but even in that, I’ve always naturally envisioned myself ending up with a man long term. And this is where people start saying that mindset is misogynistic.

I’ve seen people get mad when women say women are “harder to date,” but honestly… they kind of are? And I don’t even mean that negatively. Men are generally easier to approach because the social expectation is lower. You can approach a man with mediocre game and there’s a decent chance he’ll still go for it because a lot of men are just trying to get laid. Women tend to require more emotional intelligence, more intentionality, more vulnerability, etc. Again, I mean that in a good way, as women are just more intelligent and developed in that way.

But I also don’t know why it’s automatically misogynistic for a bisexual woman to acknowledge she prefers men romantically. People can’t really control what they gravitate toward.

And I keep thinking about the reverse scenario. If a bisexual woman said “I could see myself marrying a woman, but I’d only sleep with men,” would people call her a misandrist? Probably not. Or if a bisexual man said that he could only see himself marrying a woman, despite his attraction and desire for a man…would people dogpile him?

I guess what confuses me is that I’ve always been told sexuality is a spectrum and that the LGBTQ+ community is supposed to be open and fluid, but sometimes it feels like bisexuality specifically comes with SO many rules and labels. It’s like if your attraction doesn’t manifest in the exact correct social way, people start invalidating your sexuality entirely.

So I’m genuinely asking in good faith:

1. Is it actually misogynistic for a bisexual woman to prefer men romantically while still being attracted to women?
2. If someone is sexually attracted to women and has been intimate with women, but realistically only sees themselves marrying a man, are they still bisexual?
3. Where is the line between internalized societal conditioning vs just… natural preference?

I’m genuinely open to hearing different perspectives because I feel like this conversation online has become VERY black and white when real people’s experiences usually aren’t. And selfishly, I want to understand if I’ve been calling myself bisexual for years and that actually isn’t true.

Small edit: Reddit, I understand you don’t like TikTok, but I just referenced it as the place I found the discussion started since it was trending on there. Just wanted to clarify, but my post isn’t really about being anti-tiktok, but more so the discussion of bisexuality as a whole. Thanks!