Hey ladies! I love the podcast and value your perspectives. I’m a second-year uni student and need some advice on a friendship fallout. Sorry this might be a long one 😅 I am writing from France currently but I’m international student in the UK
I started uni in a large group of seven. After a stressful secondary school experience, I entered uni with a "this is just a temporary stage" mindset, which made me a bit of a realist regarding long-term friendships especially in large groups this mindset was shared with the large group as well everyone knew it was a thing were we were here for a good time not a long one. In my first year, everything was fine, everyone was happy, joking around. However, a new girl, Malaya (M), joined and began ignoring me specifically like I would speak to her and she would pretend that I wasn’t speaking at all. I brushed it off since we weren't close and I wouldn’t see her as much . She was friends with these girls Yumi (Y) and Bea (B).
Between the years in the break, I dealt with a personal tragedy involving my aunt, who was like a mother to me. I returned for second year with lower energy and a more serious academic focus despite this I tried to be as high spirits as I could. I had hung out a lot with my core sub-group: my male best friend, Y, and B mainly because the rest couldn’t come to hang out due to travelling, family stuff. I had not told Y and B about the issue with my aunt, only my male best friend as we were significantly closer.
But as soon as second year started a switch had flipped. I had a birthday party with the 4 (the rest couldn’t join as they had scheduling issues) and as soon as they entered the party the vibes were just off. I didn’t address it then because I was busy with the party so I couldn’t do anything about it. They would speak to me yes but there wasn’t that enthusiasm that they once had occasionally ignoring me in the event as well, and it’s not that they aren’t party people. A day later I went to send pictures of the party on the group chat we made with the four (it was formed specifically for the party) and realised that Y had left abruptly 3 days before hand.
Then there were the little things like in the large group settings, I would join, everyone would say hi to me except her (and M), every time I would speak there would be this large awkward silence with her (everyone else would be laughing or talking) and in situations were it was just me and her she would immediately go on her phone. There was a small situation with an external person (which I was at fault for and had apologised to the external person) but when she had heard about it she began to yell at me basically telling me off, also in a group setting when I was talking i had noticed that she was rolling her eyes and looking at an other boy in the group who was holding back from laughing. When I had spoke to her about that she said that I was mistaken and that it was a joke between her and the boy. after that I had brushed everything off because I thought that maybe she was going through something.
The breaking point was a Christmas party Y organized for the main group that explicitly excluded me so it was only Y,B, my boy best friend and M. I had a conversation with my boy bestfriend briefly about why I had not been invited and he said that when asked she would dodge the question but would constantly bring up wanting people who ‘brought more energy’ and that B and M would agree with her. I messaged B to ask if she thought i should be bringing more energy when we were together she thought that I was fine the way I am. And when I also asked Y, she sent several voice notes calling me "childish," "indirectly hostile," and a "pick-me" who only hangs around my male best friend. This shocked me, as he has a long-term girlfriend I deeply respect, and I rarely discuss men in group settings, I just find them boring to talk about. I apologised for any unintentional hurt and asked for specific examples so I could make amends, but she left me on read. I then blocked her.
I’ve since distanced myself from the larger group to focus on exams, but I’ve heard Y is now complaining she " doesn’t understand why I blocked her," (???) and at times where I was at the library i would often feel someone staring at me only to look up and see her staring at me directly. I had blocked her because I felt weird about having someone who had felt that way towards me for an extended period of time and never once addressed it, to have access to me.
It was strange to me how she like describe me and treated me in such a way but there was a difference in a way she would treat other people. For example we would have a ‘friend’ in our group who would say micro aggressions about south East Asians to us multiple times (most of us including Y and me are south East Asian), or people like M who in group settings would take calls in the middle of conversation and start speaking loudly and tell everyone to shut up. Despite this she never once changed her energy towards them laughing and joking around with them, hanging out with them, whilst I’ve been the only one treated in a negative way for things that I had no idea were mean. Don’t get me wrong I have my bad traits I think I’m overly sarcastic sometimes but never that. I’ve always been described by others as thoughtful and kind, so her comments felt out of character for me. Should I take her critique to heart and try to change, or should I just label her a hater and move on?
Also if there is any confusion at all feel free to ask any questions. I used AI to shorten this so some of the context may be taken out.