⚠️PART 2 -- Grandparents taking kids overseas, I said not yet, Response = left chat groups
(Part1:
Yesterday, I asked who's left in the family chat group about the trip (my dad) if the trip is still on because my mom left our only 2 chat groups and we're confused. My dad read it but ignored me. After a while, I said we will just book our own flights if we hear nothing back.
THEN my dad confirmed the trip is still on. I said how are we supposed to discuss anything about the trip when she leaves the chat group. He said why don't you ask her. I said because she left. He said why won't you message her. I finally just said IF YOU GUYS CAN'T COMMUNICATE LIKE ADULTS, I'M CANCELLING THIS TRIP AND BUYING SEPARATE TICKETS.
THEN my mom appears outta nowhere and messages me. She confirms it's still booked and she can't and won't cancel it - that she left the group because she was too upset. I asked what she was even upset about. She said don't worry about it. I said I can't go with you if you can't communicate, you just shut down and ghost me. She said she is trying to calm herself down. I said by leaving the 2 family chat groups? I reiterated that she had told me before she wouldn't treat me like this anymore (like 2 yrs ago during our last incident, and the years before that as well). She said yes, please it's my way of having peace in my head, we have a lot of stuff going on right now, and if you book another trip, that means thousands of dollars wasted.
I said nothing. Then in the middle of the night, she sends me a text:
"When we were talking about another trip with the kids, you immediately shut the idea down. The way you said it, made me feel rejected. I felt like we are not capable or trustworthy enough to be around your kids. You could have turned me down gently. When I first talk about Hawaii, you did exactly the same thing. You didn't like the idea. So you shut it down. You only changed your mind when your kid read something about it from his book. I want you to realize, and I have said it before, we are getting old. We don't have a lot more years that we can travel.
Speaking of mortality, did you even read your dad's email about his prognosis? How come you never reply? How come you never ask how is he doing? How come you never ask if there is an update about his health? He needs support especially now with a serious diagnosis. Speaking of ghosting, he feels ignored by you and your brother. He was so depressed that you won't let us travel more with the kids that he cried like a child.
But anyways, I feel sad, disappointed, and rejected. But I will respect your decision. It is what it is. If you don't feel comfortable taking this Hawaiian trip with us, please go with your family. You can use the plane tickets and the hotel we reserved. It's paid for with a travel insurance. It will be a waste of money and my effort if you book another trip. So, please don't book another trip."
I hadn't said anything because I was trying to come up with a response. She was begging for a response from me, freaking out about the cancellation and the money. Ends up saying just use our tickets to go without us, please. (Meanwhile, I'm trying to get my kids ready for school).
My response:
"First of all, I never received an email. You said that you guys were relieved, everything was fine.
To continue, my heart is shattered to be going through this once again. I'm trying to come up with a response. But no matter how I put it, it's gonna be the same outcome. I'm gonna keep having the finger pointed at ME, having it turned around on ME. I can't deal with the deflecting anymore. You never take accountability. It's NOT ok to constantly disappear on people you love, to keep them hanging. You've even done it for months at a time. You don't respect my decisions, my brother's decisions. You push and push and push and then act surprised when the relationship is strained. How am I supposed to know you're not gonna pull the same stuff on my own kids? You two enable each other.
When we have conflicts, we confide in people we love and trust to get their perspectives. You guys don't have anyone to speak to about conflicts except each other, and I think it's unhealthy. You have isolated people. I've been to therapy about this exact situation and my kid also went for other reasons. It helped us and I think seeing a therapist would help you guys, too.
I can't go to Hawaii with you - we're going by ourselves and buying our own way. You can cancel or transfer to another destination for yourselves. I'm done with this."
She just replied "ok."
Later she adds "I am sorry about all this. I just got my feel- ings hurt and the stress at work and your dad's health is getting to me. Its my fault. Have a fun time in Hawaii and be careful."