I’m wondering if anyone can share how they deal with ruminating over an exWBPD even after they take steps to destroy your life after it ends. Not even counting the hellish reality that the relationship was, how my relationship ended was like being in a warzone and I’m lucky I escaped before I suffered serious consequences.
I’ve learned that in the process of trying to address all these traumas that came from the relationship and how it ended, my brain is essentially splitting her into two people. One is the monster and one is the idealized person I tried to make her out to be that kept me in the relationship for so long. The pain of the betrayal and abuse is so intense that to cope my subconscious just does not accept that the person who did all these things to our family is the same person I fell in love with.
It makes me mad that even after all these things and the ongoing abuse that involves my kids, finances, stalking me at my home, smearing me to friends and acquaintances etc. I still struggle with constantly remembering things about her or what it felt like in those brief moments of peace.
It’s kind of a two part problem, there’s this cognitive dissonance around how you see this person in your mind which is frustrating on its own, and then there’s the anger you feel at yourself for the fact that the most intimate and personal relationship you’ve ever had was with a person who has taken every major life moment, every trauma, every insecurity and every vulnerability and used it against you in some way. My kids whom I love more than anything become pawns and are actively subjected to attempts at alienation from me (unsuccessfully thankfully, I have a great relationship with my kids as I’ve always been the safe and primary parent), traumas of my dad and best friend dying suddenly are thrown in my face or she tries to blame me for them in some way, any item that had personal significance to me was destroyed or stolen, being accused of domestic violence when they are the person always laying hands on you and you’ve never lifted a finger against them. The list goes on. It is so hard to accept the person who was supposed to love you the most would do this to you, it’s inhuman and makes me feel embarrassed I gave up so much of myself for her only for this to be the treatment I received.
So why is it so hard? Does anyone have any tips or shared experiences on how you made it better? I know these things take time, my relationship was almost 10 years and it finally ended just a couple months ago so I’m trying to give myself grace but I thought I’d try to see what everyone else’s experience was like.