u/L-eech

I just recently turned 20 last month, so I know I'm still a baby adult, but I already feel so lost for my purpose in life.

I had good grades in high school, 3.8, and everyone pressured me into taking college. I wasn't sure at first, since its so expensive and I'd rather not be in debt- But after high school, I wasn't sure what to do with my life. I had been working at subway during my senior year to save up money, so I figured I would go into teaching, art specifically as I love to draw and I'm pretty good at it, and its also a state job with summers off.

But all of that got derailed when I got diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, and I couldn't keep up with the stressful and fast-paced environment as any stress causes the left side of my body to become shaky and I have a hard time walking. I had to quit and I've just been sitting and taking care of my parents' house while we get stuff figured out.

And that was last year, and now I feel extremely limited for what I can do as a job that provide something fulfilling, and it's difficult because I rely on medicade to afford my medicine to prevent any other lesions from forming. So I have to either make very little money to keep my medicade, or make so much that I can pay it out of pocket, it feels living a middle class life is out of reach for me. Even if teaching lines up with that, I've realized that I don't want to become a teacher because I was just trying to cope with my lack of direction in life.

I've been trying out streaming, but it's been demotivating as no one watches, and the market is highly saturated, so it feels like there's no point in pursing it. Maybe something with art would be nice, but art barely pays for itself, and it's just starting to feel more and more as a hobby and nothing else. My friends have some type of end goal, like music, acting, and medical coding. Meanwhile, I have nothing like that.

I've been struggling to carry on with day to day life because it all just feels the same. I'm just going through the motions, and im just going to waste my 20s away. I never got the chance to learn how to drive either since the small town i live in is pretty walkable, so I have never needed the push to drive anywhere if I can just walk, but there isnt much for opportunity as its a retirement town. So the internet is really my only way of exploring and connecting to the world.

I apologize if this sounds whiney or if I'm complaining, I've just been overwhelmed and devastated over this and have been crying pretty frequently when thinking about it. I just feel stuck.