I like sitting in small dark rooms [help needed]
Context: I have an extremely narcissistic dad and my mom isn't much help either. I'm pretty sure I have depression. Before the self diagnose police comes, I want to get mental health support I do but my family does not believe in it and since I'm a minor I can't get help without telling my parents. I have thoughts about hurting myself quite often, in fact I do it too.
So back to the original question.
Whenever my mom yells at me or I'm feeling panicky, I end up going in my bathroom and sit there in the dark till I calm down. It's comforting. It's like a sensory deprivation tank. If in that moment I'm forced to be outside (in my room) I literally cannot breathe. The thoughts of ending myself are so high in that moment but at the same time I feel so scared. Like breath shaky, almost peeing my pants scared.
Is that a symptom of anytning...?
I don't wanna self diagnose but if anyone can just tell me what mental disorder/illness that sounds like, I'll look up ways to calm a person (me) down without the use of meds or therapy and when my mom yells at me the next time I can use those methods or at least try them out.