I feel like I'm between worlds. Monogamy feels too absolute to me, especially the more controlling variants where expressions of love and emotional intimacy with other people are seen as infidelity.
But poly communities seem centered around avoidantly attached people who don't value or want commitment or a sense of mutual primacy, and would rather go "wide" by dating a half a dozen people than "deep" with a single partner.
What I want is a partner who I can form a long-term commitment with and build a life with, and have a relationship so secure that it isn't threatened by intimacy with other people. To be free to connect and explore with other people, but to have a mutual confidence that the partnership is home.
I love relationship anarchy for the capacity to "build your own relationship." But I find that relationship anarchist communities tend to revolve more around "relationship libertarianism" approaches of "be free, do whatever you want, and other people's feelings are their responsibility." Non-hierarchy sounds ethical on paper, but doesn't feel like a good foundation for long-term security in practice.
I guess my questions are: Are there other folks here who feel the same? And where would you recommend going to find like-minded people? I don't feel like seeking people in either polyamorous or monogamous spaces is serving me.