How do I stop running away from people that like me back?
Hi, I'm a 19 year old male and I feel kinda stuck when it comes to relationships. I feel like I am pretty attractive, funny, easy to talk to, pretty intelligent, I have passions and hobbies, I study psychology. I generally am attractive to women and there was way too many possibilities for me to enter a relationship. Which is my biggest issue here. I deep down feel very ashamed of myself, I also have very high functioning asd, so a lot of "weird" stuff is getting masked but I just end up being pretty sucked out of life after I am in social situatiuons even tho I really enjoy being with people. There's been probably like 15 potential relationships throughout high school and collage so far that ended up falling based on the same pattern:
I like them -> we somehow meet, get to talk to pretty naturally (I never really had to be the one to initiate or like approach someone, it always happened that I ended up around them) -> we start talking and it's usually very engaging and exciting, I can even be a bit flirty but I also struggle with this in a long run, I'm afraid of taking the risk of making someone uncomfortable -> I realize that something can come out of this and I immediately start sabotaging the thing and I am less fun, less cool, less flirty, less available. So I end up being friends with a lot of those women because there's usually genuine connection there, and you can usually see that we are attracted to each other, but I just never made the move and I always ran away. Or I just end start responding super slow and they get discouraged and we stop talking anyway.
I feel kind of stuck also because since I am pretty high functioning with ASD, I am generally around pretty extroverted people, rarely nerdy, I like loud music and festivals and raves and stuff like that and those cultures are usually very open socially while I just feel pretty slow and afraid. And I feel like I can match it for a moment but it feels like I just build up a facade and I'm usually pretty unhappy with myself and what and who I am, so I don't want anyone to find out the same thing about me. Feels like it would be the end of the world for me.
And funnily enough I lately started also going for very avoidant people too. So usually it just ends up not going anywhere but I feel pretty starved for love. I would like to change it but don't know how.
I also found out that I can sometimes break out of that kind of pattern, for like up to a week. I am available, fun, extroverted, open, I enjoy stuff and I don't even hate myself and I am pretty much very energetic and hype about life. But after a week I just dissappear and end up being dissociated for the next week.