28M, Unemployed, Switched multiple career paths - even tried pursuing my passion, nothing seems to work - feeling lost, directionless. Can't figure out anything at the moment. How do i even fix things?
*VERY Long Post* - but Please be patient.
Very Nervous coz this is my first ever post here but now things have gotten worse and i feel no sign of hope, so just thought of just putting it all out.
I'm 28 at the moment, Graduated in 2020 - got a job, worked in Corporate for 2 years in 2 different domains. Simultaneously worked as a Dance instructor at a renowned academy (Coz that is one thing i love doing with all my heart). Used to teach at school from 8am-3pm, come back login to my corporate shift from 6pm-3am, go to sleep and then wake up the next day to repeat the same schedule. Additionally whenever i got more freelance work as choreographer, took that up as well and used to do my corporate job while teaching clients (as it was wfh during that time).
Did this for a year and it mentally and physically exhausted me, but i believed - if not now, then when? 20's are the time to hustle and so i did. Eventually, it got a little tight and a few lapses from my end and i got kicked out of my corporate job. Then completely shifted to focus on my dance profession. Taught at school and whenever i got freelancing projects (Wedding, flashmob events) - did that as well. All went well for 4 years (today). In between, i also finished my distance MBA because i didn't want to be completely cutoff academically (+Family pressure of finding a stable job. My dance job only paid for 7 months - school's academic year and weddings and stuff was seasonal).
I also worked at a dance related startup for more growth and financial stability part time for 7 months alongside. Also got laid off from there because i couldn't be available for them whenever they needed me as the timings were sometimes clashing with my school timings. Continued teaching for another year. First couple of years it was fun, doing what i loved and also getting paid for it, but following that, the pressure of "Settling down" with a good stable paying job, thinking about marriage and stuff, i started to look back towards corporate again. Have been applying to jobs continuously but no success because of my career gap in corporate.
Now situation is, my dance job has paid me decently over the years but not enough, plus its only for a few months and then i'm unemployed for a few. I recently started my choreography page on insta to post my old videos of choreographies that i had done seperately, just for my archive. Yesterday i get a call from my HR and she tells me its a violation of company policies and my contract won't be renewed anymore (as it seems like i'm promoting my private business while working under their contract). So i'm technically unemployed now.
Single child, parents spent so much on my education. Went to a different city for preparation of IIT-JEE, then they got me into a tier 1 college in another city. spent Lakhs on my academics and i've just not been able to meet their expectations. It's not like i don't want to work or hustle. My constant problem has been a lack of guidance and direction. That, plus my lack of commitment to things now mostly because of the fear of failure. So i think a 100 times before doing anything trying to make sure its the right decision and to not fumble again. But guess what? Doesn't work at all with me. I keep facing setbacks one after the other.
I feel that i've just disappointed myself and in fact my parents way too much. They have so much expectations and i just can't seem to fulfill any. My personal relationship also is going through a very hard time. On the verge of breaking up after 4 years because of religion issue (NOW because things have started to get too real now - discussions about marriage and stuff, and even though we want to be together, our families JUST won't adjust and accept). Tried discussing about all possible options but she's been trying to be strong but still unable to gather the confidence to go against her parents seeing their behaviour all this while. Not to lie, my family isn't perfect either. We fight every now and then on smallest of issues and it gets intense tbh. Still figuring it out though.
Haven't told about the lay off to anyone except my girl. she's been nothing but supportive all these years. I feel anxious, depressed every now and then. I live alone. Friends are away or in another city after college, family is in another city. I just wake up, overthink things, panic, try to find a way out of this misery, waste my day in that process and go back to sleep. I'm trying. I haven't ever given up irrespective of how difficult the situation was, but now i'm starting to break down after staying strong for soo many years and having nothing but failure in life. Seeing my friends succeed - getting married - doesn't make me jealous at all. Makes me happy but also makes me wish "Why aren't things working out for me. Just why?"
I don't know what to do and how to fix my life. I want things to get better but i feel lost and hopeless and directionless and motivation to do anything has just started to die slowly.