AITAH or just A asshole in this situation?
A (f37) and me (m36), after a total of six years together, broke up for the second time half a year ago. I wanted to work on us, she didn't see herself making any changes, so I agreed. Being kind if relieved having a peaceful break up, I agreed to staying friends again. I tried to get some distance still, she wanted love and care from me, I told her we're not together anymore.
After two months though, we got closer again, spent time together, exchanged romantic "I love you"s again. Knowing it's not a great idea, I confronted her two weeks later, she told me we're just being friends and she's on tinder. So I told her I needed to cut contact. She was very unhappy about it and wanted me to stay, I told her I still want to be in a relationship if we can work on things, but I can't do this situationship thing, where we're acting like a couple without any of the responsibilities. She said we tried twice it didn't work, I said that's fair, but then I have to protect myself. The following months I was a complete wreck.
Fast forward two months, she started texting me again, first with how I'm doing, days later how she was thinking about me all day, another couple days later she asks if I'm already over us and another couple days later why we broke up in the first place. Me being all hopeful, I engaged. I asked her again if she sees a future, she asked why I don't want to be friends and if it's because I don't like her as a person. After not responding to me for a couple days, she asked me to talk, but it didn't lead anywhere, so I told her I can't keep doing this.
Around that time I met S (f34). She's on the outskirts of our mutual friend circle, A had met her twice. I told her upfront I'm basically a walking red flag right now, she said we'll just take things slow. We dated for like two weeks but ended up in bed together, so much for taking it slow. A bit after, we mutually agreed to put things on ice, since it's not a good time for either of us in our lives. She asked me to keep it under wraps, since she didn't want any drama in our friend circle. I agreed. In hindsight, I should've avoided the whole thing.
A while after A and I were in contact again. We chatted a bit, she invited me over, and when I was at her door, it's like I woke and realized what a terrible idea that was. I told myself I'll just spend the evening, nothing can happen and I'll write it off as a one-off relapse. But when she got close to me, all the old feelings were there and we had sex. Afterwards, she said she hadn't been with anyone since us and looked at me questioningly. That's when I fucked up the first time. Knowing a yes would be very uncomfortable, and "I don't want to talk about it" would be interpreted as a yes and lead to her digging, I took the easy way and said no. I justified it to myself by thinking it's really none of her business and I promised S to not say anything. But lying was still wrong and I regret it.
After that, I once again told A I can't keep doing this, but this time she wanted to talk. It was a back and forth, but suddenly she seemed to be interested in talking about getting back together. I got my hopes up again. She knew before I had dated someone for a short while and me not wanting to talk about it, she assumed it's somebody she knows. So she demanded the name. I said no, she said she needs to know. I said I'll think about it.
I talked to a few close friends of my own and my therapist about it, they all told me the same thing: You're not even a couple, S asked you not to tell and she has a right to her privacy. Don't tell A. It's none of her business. So the next time we talked I told her that. She wasn't happy. She questioned my loyalty. I offered to talk again if we actually get back together. She told me either you tell me, or we're over. So I panicked and told her. She wanted to know if we got physical. I fucked up and said no. To this day, I hate myself for lying to her.
It took me a few days to realize what happened, it was all so much. Things were seriously advancing. Then it hit me, how I lied to her and needed to confess. Knowing she wouldn't forgive me. Worst day ever. Talked to my friends and therapist again. They all told me lying wasn't great of course, but how I didn't kill anyone or cheat on her. How she'd be hurt, but it shouldn't be a huge deal. And they thought her pressuring me for the name was a bigger deal.
When I confessed to her, it went as expected. She told me how disappointed and angry she is, how she's disgusted and wants to cancel the weekend we had planned to talk. Knowing there was no way to salvage this, I pulled the plug and ended things.
So, to this day, I kick myself for lying to her twice, for not protecting my promise to S and absolutely fucking everything up in a matter of days, after desperately trying to keep everything together for all these months. I know I'm an asshole for lying. But am I THE asshole in this situation?