I (32M) and girlfriend (34F)) have been together for 3 years. She has 3 kids (11, 10, 5) from a previous marriage where the husband died, I view them as my own but have not adopted (we are not married yet). She had to voluntarily let her family take custody of her kids after the death to process/ go to rehab for alcohol abuse. She got her kids back the year I met her. I did not know this at the time.
We have a 10 month old daughter together, and just found out she is pregnant and due in late December/early Jan.
Long story short we moved really fast. Got pregnant within a year of our relationship. Obviously I am committed to this. But there is so much trauma based on what she has gone through, and our relationship has been rocky in the sense that our fights and disagreements have been growing more and more intense. We try to avoid in front of kids but they sense our energy regardless.
I also lost my dad to leukemia in January which has been really hard on me.
We have tried everything and the same cycle continues. A couples therapist we know and trust suggested we come do work individually to work out the internal environments and commit to continuously unearthing our deepest hurts from even before we knew each other, or therapist suggested for the sake of the kids, to separate. I asked GF if she would be willing to invest her own money into getting therapy for herself, she kind of laughed and said it sucks bc she’d rather put that money into furniture of stuff for the home. I even offered to help pay half of each session for her.
My struggle is feeling like I am abandoning the children and her, especially while she is pregnant. I would be moved out but coming over daily after work to help support her with our current biological baby, maybe occasionally watching her kids too so she can have a break. But it just feels so sad and idk if me creating space is good or frowned upon.
Relationship toxicity rating: 6.5/10
\-constant rehashing past mistakes
\-hurtful words
\-makeup and love, then back to fighting week later
Biggest fear:
\-view of abandonment by her and the kids
\-not being able to survive on my own paying child support for 2 kids under 2 years old (I work full time job and probably wouldn’t get any overnights first few years here in Illinois)