I’ve been dealing with ongoing issues with my girlfriend regarding effort and plans. She last-minute canceled plans for my entire birthday after I had reserved the day for her because she said she had to help her family financially. She originally insisted on planning something bigger, even though I told her we could just spend time together or get food. Because of that, I told other people I already had plans with her, then she canceled. I had no backup plans and ended up spending my birthday alone, which I’m still trying to emotionally recover from.
This wasn’t the first time she has canceled plans last minute for similar reasons. Even when I offer solutions (like covering gas or splitting costs), there often ends up being another reason why she still can’t come.
She lives about 40 minutes away from me, but she often sees her best friend (who lives about 15 minutes from me) very frequently. She doesn’t usually suggest seeing me when she’s already in the area. There have also been times she said she was going home after school but then went to a friend’s place near me instead, and still didn’t try to see me. This makes me feel like she puts more effort into other relationships or plans than ours.
I feel like I’ve been putting in more emotional effort overall, being understanding when she cancels, staying supportive, and trying to maintain the relationship. Over time, this has built resentment because it doesn’t feel mutual. However, when I start to distance myself, she sometimes makes big promises about the future (marriage, living together, etc.), and finally comes through on plans and starts being consistent.. then it’s back to all of this, and she says things will change later when we live together, it feels like she isn’t in the spot to be in a relationship but she keeps pushing me deeper and deeper into it as the days go by.
Overall, I feel hurt, unprioritized, and unsure if the effort is mutual or if I’m overinvesting in the relationship. I also feel like she often expects access to my life and relationships, but doesn’t offer the same consistency with hers. What’s the best way to communicate about repeated canceled plans and inconsistent effort in a relationship in a way that actually leads to change or clarity?