M48 here, I've had issues with self doubt for as long as I can remember. As if I was intrinsically worthless and always have to achieve worth or value through some sort of succesful endeavour. As a child it sometimes felt like having to sing for your supper, as if life was a performance with marks being handed out.
The other feeling I distinctly remember is fear or at least anxietey. Mother was completely unpredictable, which was not a good match for a little kid who had a profound need for security and reliable patterns -and undisturbed silence. Learning very early that I had no right to privacy, that mother was allowed to barge in and upset every last space I wanted to have as 'my own', set me on edge permanently. Things I found precious had to be hidden, sometimes handed to a friend in school for safe-keeping.
Add to that mother's tendency to get upset out of the blue over a completely random and innocuous thing like a casual remark or gesture or a facial expression - it was never quite sure what exactly it was that made her fly off the handle but fly off she did to angrily berate me, issue terrible and frightening threats about what she would do to me if I ever did it again, or simply ignore me completely for days on end. She stopped doing that once I was too old to still be fazed about her cold-shoulder-treatment and yes, I moved out the minute I could.
More than 20 ears later, I feel like it's high time to cut her out of my life completely.
But what if I'm wrong? What if I'm imagining things? Maybe her behaviour was justifyable and I was just a rotten kid or an overly sensitive or weak one. What if I don't have a good reason after all? I don't want to be unfair.
If anyone can offer some insight, I would appreciate.
EDIT: Ha, some issues resolve themselves, I guess. Got a phone-call from mother today who told me happy birthday and enquired about the gift she had sent by mail (a re-gifted pack of coffee and some candy). I told her I had already sent it back. I had also told her two years ago that I do not appreciate generic 'throwaway' gifts like re-gifted stuff. I'd rather have no present than an utterly unpersonal and perfunctory one. Call me ungrateful, it's just how I roll. It's not about monetary value, it's about the personal heart-felt sentiment. If I feel that the other person doesn't really want to give me something and only does it because they 'have to', I'd much rather they don't. Guess I set a boundary then - which she overstepped this year, so I sent the gift back. This made her completely fly off the handle and now I am officially 'cut off.' She ended the phone call and immediately afterwards wrote a single-line text to that effect. Good riddance, I guess.
I'll go bake some cake now to eat later with the people who are actually happy to see me on my birthday.