I recently realized that fantasizing about my own death brings me great comfort. I’ve struggled with suicidal ideations for about two decades now. I used to find the thoughts “ugly” and didn’t understand why I was having them. I just always thought “this is a symptom of my depression or whatever it is that I have”.
For the greater part of this past year I found that the thoughts had been relatively quiet. I had a medication change as well as attended consistent talk therapy and noticed that I went from probably close to fifty suicidal thoughts per day to maybe one or two per week.
I recently had something happen that caused me to fall back into depression and while lying on the couch last night hurting I found myself thinking of suicide (not considering it, just fantasizing about it). I noticed that every time I got to the final detail, the part where it all ended, for a moment my mind and body felt peaceful. It felt like the world melted away and I felt calm for a moment.
I felt so disgusted when I realized what I was doing. In that moment I realized that I was using these thoughts like a benzo or something to calm me down and escape reality.
I honestly don’t know why I’m posting this, not looking for any advice. I guess I just want to share and get that feeling that I had off my chest.