Feeling dehumanized by men
Salam I’m a 33 yo F. 2 years ago I got to know someone for 7 months, thought I found the love of my life, thought they were trustworthy/religious/etc, and then got my nikah done and lost my virg*nity, only for the man to end it with me 3 weeks after the kitab via text/call. He’s an only child with a single mom and cited issues his mom had with me (it was very petty stuff, I don’t think I need to explain more and I should have known better than to marry someone whose mom was already married to him). I felt like I had no idea who I married because he changed completely and I learned a lot of lies afterwards. Anyway, we had consummated before the wedding/living together. The whole ending felt extremely traumatic and I had to get multiple sheikhs to call and pressure him into giving me talaq because he was refusing for months while also not providing me any rights. I’m still torn at the deception and because of losing my virg*nity to someone who threw me away and treated me like filth afterwards.
It’s been a long time since then and I’ve gotten to know several men who have rejected me because of the fact I’m no longer a virg*n. I had a man tell me that one of his dealbreakers is if the girl is not a virg*n. When I clarified that I never committed zina and was briefly married, he said that’s still his preference. I do try to tell men as early as possible that I was married. Another guy ghosted me after I shared I was married before. Some guys are like wow you seem perfect why aren’t u married and when I share I briefly was, they run. I understand there’s a preference but the abrupt change or ghosting is hurtful. I just don’t understand what the obsession with virg*nity is and it’s making me feel like I’m not even human anymore because all these men care about is if I was touched or not… and it doesn’t matter to them that it was halal or brief. I feel like I’m being treated like I’m a used, dirty, garbage bag, or that what I did is haram/ comparable to zina. I also feel physically sick at the fact that I feel like I have to disclose these details when getting to know men even though I don’t know them very well yet because the topic comes up.
I don’t know what to do. I have tawakkul that Allah will take care of me. And at the same time I’ve never been this depressed in my life. I find myself crying myself to sleep every night and wishing I was dead. I am in therapy, but it changes nothing. Surah Maryam helps, but this cycle of rumination and depression repeats. If anyone has advice or a similar experience (consummation after kitab, before wedding) and remarried please share.