Hi, after months na nasa isip ko na magpa check up na, I finally moved the needle and sent a message for an appointment with a psychiatrist.
Pero, ano nga ba yung mga kailangan kong gawin and sabihin at the actual appointment? Huhu, I'm trying to see whether I have ADHD or maybe another condition, but I'm afraid na baka once kaharap ko na yung psychiatrist, ma-blanko ako.
Like ngayon palang, after kong mag book, hindi ko maisip kung pano and anong sasabihin ko huhu, and I'm afraid baka masayang lang yung appointment because I wasn't able to provide enough details to them.
Ever since kasi, I'm the type na sobra sobra ang procrastination and literal na wala akong ibang nagagawa. My only focus is my studies, nothing else pero I can't move myself to actually do the required things. Like kung tutuusin, I have the whole day to do a 30 minute activity pero ending, hindi ko nagawa. And kapag super important nung gagawin ko, parang naka-abang lang ako na gawin iyon, so I wasn't able to do anything else, kahit simple chores.
Because of this, usually my sleep gets super compromised tuwing may mga weeks or days na busy yung school life ko.
Like this is what happens in my head:
For example, it's Friday and I have something to submit on Monday.
I plan na gagawin ko agad activity pag-uwi ko palang sa hapon. But since kakauwi ko palang, I say to myself I'll do it sa night. I get tired so I fall asleep without doing the activity.
I wake up Saturday, irritated cause I fell asleep. So I say to myself gagawin ko today yung activity. Buong araw nasa isip ko yung activity, wala akong ibang nagawa because I know that if I do something else, I'll feel tired and won't be able to do the activity. Umabot ng gabi, until lampas midnight na because I don't want to sleep yet kasi dapat gawin ko na yung activity. 2AM, 3AM hits and at that point, I accept defeat and just say na may Sunday pa naman na pwede kong gawin.
I wake up Sunday, 11, 12, or even 1PM na kasi nga puyat. But I actually start the day 2PM na kasi nakahiga lang ako and nag phone lang. Gabi na naman and may halong inis and taranta na yung feeling ko kasi nung Friday pa talaga yung plano ko na tapusin yung activity.
Ending nag alarm na ako ng madaling araw sa Monday and tsaka ko pa lang sinimulan. It took longer than expected so bilis bilis na ako mag-prepare para pumasok and late na ko sa first period. In high school dati, sa 2nd period na ako nakakapasok eh hahshsha.
So for the whole weekend, I'm basically useless and have achieved nothing, small or big kasi may kailangan akong gawin.
So parang I'm stuck in this repetitive loop na hindi ko magawang alisin yung sarili ko. Kapag may sunod sunod na gawain ako, imagine how much it affects my personal life and life at home. But if ginawang seatwork nalang yung activity, like in front of the teacher and to be submitted in class, tapos ko na agad iyon.
oh, meron na akong sasabihin ngayon sa psychiatrist jahshshah.