This is the first time I've ever done something like this. I literally made a reddit account just so I could post this because I'm so desperate.
I have had depression and anxiety for most of my life. I have ups and downs but when we decided to have kids my mental health was doing really good for the most part. I had bad days but nothing like when I was younger. After having our third child is when I really started feeling so much more anxiety. It's only become more and more challenging handling all three (I'm a sahm). A year ago we moved to be closer to my family who said they'd help out with the kids whenever I needed a break.
A little over a month ago I was having bad anxiety so I decided to try marijuana. I accidentally overdosed and it caused me to have Dpdr (depersonalization & derealization) My depression and anxiety are so bad now I feel like I'm just a shell of a person. I have suicidal ideation and I just feel so stuck. I thought about getting a therapist or going to a Dr. but we're broke and I don't have insurance. My family, the ones who said they'd help me with my kids, they are a mess as well and I just feel like I can't ask them for help when they have enough problems of their own. I feel like such a horrible mother that my kids would be better off without me. I used to take them to the park, museums, we would play outside or do art projects. We did so many fun things. Yes I still had bad days but I was always able to push through. Now all I can muster up most days is just putting on the tv for them and keeping them clean and fed. They aren't getting the childhood they deserve.
I want to kill myself but I don't want anyone, especially my children, to know it was suicide. I keep thinking of ways I could kill myself but make it look like an accidental death. I know that Dpdr can last for years and I truly feel like my mental health isn't going to get better anytime soon. That maybe if I died my husband could remarry someone who could give my kids the care they deserve. I love them so much and I want to do more for them but I literally don't know how to get better. My husband has had so much on his plate with a new job and things we needed to fix with our new house, plus all the stuff I haven't been able to do. I feel like such a burden. My husband is so wonderful I know he could find a really wonderful wife and mother to our kids.
I just don't know what to do anymore.