I got into a situationship last year around January. With a guy who I thought was straight. I know, shocker, I got my heart broken. Anyway. It started off with flirting and I didn’t know if it was a joke or not and I didn’t know what to do but I played along for a little bit and as time went on things started to feel different.
We started becoming a bit more serious as time went on and I became cautious as I have been hurt in the past too many times. So I asked him out right if this was going to go somewhere. He said that he didn’t know and that he was confused which I understood because figuring out your sexuality can be a confusing process. We started becoming more like a relationship as time passed and calling each other “babe” and all that kind of stuff. When he finally asked me to be his boyfriend about 7 months had passed at this point and I was so in love with this man that I couldn’t have been happier. However, due to him still being in the closet, nobody knew that we were together.
We moved in with each other pretty soon after and my life felt like a dream. I felt like I finally had my happily ever after. Boy was I wrong. We had been living together for about 4 months and I could notice a change in him, he started becoming more distant. Due to me being cheated on in the past, I knew the signs and I caught him with someone else. It was a girl. My biggest fear had just come true. We split up and I found out that this had been going on for a while. He said “I will come back” “I promise I will come back”. I believed him because he said that he was still figuring it out.
We went into no contact and we hadn’t spoken to each other in about 7 months until last weekend. I reached out to see how he was doing and we had been talking back and forth and arranged to meet up in town because we were both coincidentally going out with friends on the same night. On the lead up to the night out I was getting messages like calling me “babe” again and saying that he was coming back. Keep in mind he’s still in a relationship with the girl he cheated on me with
I went to go and meet him but it was an ambush between him and his girlfriend and they proceeded to tell me that the flirting in January last year was all a joke and that our whole relationship/situationship was all fake. He loved me as a friend but nothing more. I asked him why did he ask me to be his boyfriend and why not just tell me to begin with because I asked multiple times if it was actually what he wanted. And the answer that I got back was basically that it was out of pity.
I just honestly don’t know what to do anymore because he was the first person I have ever loved / had a connection like that with. I feel like such an idiot for believing that he could have actually loved me. I’m also annoyed at myself because I feel like I was just living in a delusion the whole time. I also can’t help but think that if I am to start something with someone else in the future, I won’t trust a single word that he will say to me. I’ll always have that voice of doubt saying “it’s not real” or “he doesn’t actually love you”. I know I want something in the future but I’m scared that I’ll never be able to fully let me guard down again and what if that causes them to leave me.
I know I don’t need a relationship to be happy, I’ve done a lot of work on myself and found love for myself and enjoy my own company. It doesn’t stop me from thinking that this will just happen to me again and again. I’m 23 and I have been cheated on by all three of my relationships as well as “committed” talking stages. Every single one has cheated on me or been unfaithful. I’ve gotten used to it by now.
I don’t have anyone else to turn to because to this day, nobody knows that we were ever in a relationship. I can’t turn to anyone about it because I don’t want him to be outed or his relationship to fall apart. I still love him even though there is so much hurt and anger right now, which is so confusing. I don’t want to be the cause of their relationship breaking up because for some weird reason I still just want him to be happy. I know this is super long and I’m sorry, I just needed to get this off my chest.