i am 18. i live in india.
i have nothing in my life that makes it worth living. i so badly want to end my life but i dont know why i still cant get myself to. at best i have passive ideation nothing more. my life fell apart right before my eyes in the span of 2 years. and this last month everything that could go wrong did:
my boyfriend and i broke up 2 days ago, i didnt take it well. i dont eat. i puke on empty stomach i feel a pit in my chest. it was for the best i think but i cant get myself to accpet that i will never see him again.
i had a surgery it wasnt huge just a simple surgery but it still has an impact on me for some reason. my brother didnt even come to visit me more than once while i was in the hospital.
i have competitive exams but i cant study for them since i have no idea what to do with my life in future no interests nothing. i dont see myself sustaining a future, i cant see myself succeeding ever.
my family keeps fighting and i have no idea how to talk to them. my house doesnt feel like home.
i lost every single one of my close friends
one more thing that i constantly struggle with is that throughout my childhood for years my cousin used to touch me and make me touch him. i dont know why i didnt know how to say no. and when finally he did it again 3 ish years ago i told my parents. but all they did was tell me to stay away from him . the very day i told them he stayed in our house and tried again. because no one confronted him. till this day they dont talk about what happened and still wish him happy birthday and my mother even blamed me for it once in anger saying "u must have initiated it or liked it"
im failing in life
i cant imagine how to feel better. its like i dont even know what happiness feels like.
its like my pain isnt that much when put into words atleast not as much as people who are acutually struggling in life