u/Key-Pineapple1969

Hi, new to this subreddit but I’ve considered myself poly for my entire adult life now (F26) and have exclusively been in relationships defined as poly, even if in practice sometimes they’ve been monogamous.

A consistent problem for me is a feeling that the poly people I meet are motivated far more by “selfish” reasons than they are by my own … perhaps naïve and romanticized… reasons for being poly. It’s hurt me a lot.

It’s things like “I’m poly because I recognize that we shouldn’t control our partners”, that to me comes off as “I’m poly because I want to do whatever I want.” I’ve always considered myself poly based on the idea that closing myself off to monogamy would arbitrarily limit me and the people around me. If I’m able to have fulfilling relationships with multiple people, then of course I should! It just seems like there’s so much more potential to make others happy and build community. However what I’ve actually experienced by now has been so very far from that. It feels like no one else I meet whose poly has any desire for that. Like we’re all fending for ourselves and that’s a good thing and okay, like the notion of building our relationships around mutual support and community wouldn’t do any good.

It feels very individualistic in a way that makes me feel alone more than anything. Like we aren’t allowed to prioritize our partners, if that makes sense? I see it as something based on selflessness, that through effort and communication I can give more to the people I love and be happier at the end of the day. While abstract it seems like this is a fundamental incompatibility with someone who doesn’t feel that way. What I think is a normal boundary has come off as unreasonable with multiple people now!

Most recently it was me telling my partner that I’ve been going through a lot and that I wanted a bit of a “cool down” before we started dating or hooking up with others again. I never had any intent for that to be permanent, I’m just navigating a lot of life changes and the amount of communication needed when relationship dynamics change just felt like something I wanted a few months to wait on. New city, new job, new house, new therapist… a new relationship dynamic would add to that stress! They responded like I was totally infringing on them and being controlling, like they just really didn’t like it. Neither of us have even been seeing other people for the last half a year anyways. In my mind this sort of request is not only normal but vital in terms of prioritizing your partner. I’ve never thought being poly would mean you can’t ask for extra support in this way at times, like to me it’s the entire point of relationships! It’s deeper than this but very hard to give examples of. Just this sense that someone’s motivation for being in a relationship is what they get out of it and not at all what they can put into it, if that makes sense?

There’s so much more I could say to help yall understand what I mean but I’m already talking too much. I’m wondering if my mindset is unpopular with the greater polyamorous community? Or perhaps if I just need a reality check? I don’t know if I could ever switch to being monogamous but I’ve been considering it for the last year or so and want some input on my view of things. If what I want is unrealistic I’d like to stop trying for it because this shit hurts yall 😭

Hi, this might be an insane post haha but I want feedback. I was feeling upset at my partner and felt maybe their behavior was narcissistic, so I started reading about narcissism and the more I read it the more undeniable it was to me; this was describing my behavior far more than it was describing theirs. I’m going to detail this but please bear with me that I am trying to make myself sound bad in an effort to be honest. After typing this out I glaringly sound wrong and it’s kinda jarring to me that I never realized it despite how “introspective” I am. Also I’m totally glossing over politics on purpose but the vast majority of my disagreements with people are about how I think they are misappropriating their material goods and spending their time poorly. You can figure out what I’m trying to say from that.

I am a very confident person, I like myself. I think I’m very imperfect and have a lot of growth to do but I’m just very forgiving and “got over” self hate. I had a full arc from total self hate and feeling inferior to others to humbly liking myself and nowadays even thinking I am measurably better than most people in my day to day life. Not in a physical sense, I’m not conventionally attractive (but sometimes I think i’m kinda cute :) nor am I really talented or smart, but I believe I am a very good person compared to these people and that is what really matters. Like I’m not smarter than anyone else but it’s crazy to me how uneducated folks are. Specifically the middle and upper class people who surround me. I am using my time in a better way than people who just indulge in leisure. We’re both given the material stability to have a lot of free time. How are you not using it to learn about the world and grow as a person? Alongside this I act on my empathy almost universally when I actually feel it. I refuse to prioritize my physical needs over that of others. I think indulging in expensive hobbies is immoral. I think you should always ALWAYS give everything you can one you’ve met your own needs. So how does this manifest?

I don’t understand when people dislike me or even really disagree about something that matters. I usually blame them openly if I feel like I can get away with it or will concede but internally thinking about how much of an asshole they are. My intent isn’t really to manipulate but I think that might be the result? An example is that I sort of convinced my ex he was a bad person for driving unsafely (the socially acceptable and normal way) and he genuinely seemed to feel worse about himself afterwards. Really I just wanted him to see the lack of logic in how he drove and how it was materially harmful. At the time I told him well it’s not like a moral failing it’s normal but definitely do better. And I do things like this to my partners literally all of the time, constantly. One ex of mine was really into meat, and I knew she was one to defensively argue so i’d just find a time she wasn’t eating meat to talk about how disgusting I found it to eat meat. My intent was to shame her so that she’d change her behavior but it seems like she just felt bad about herself. All of these are disagreements that I don’t understand or have empathy for. The logic seems simple to me; All of us are equal, so acting selfishly is illogical and bad for all of us. So when you act in a way that’s selfish you should probably feel bad about it. Why would I be understanding and empathetic in this situation?

And then I also do crave validation and attention in a way I don’t reciprocate. I get annoyed when someone doesn’t show an interest in my hobbies but I am almost wholly incapable of showing an interest in theirs if it’s not something I care about. No example needed lol. It just usually doesn’t get in the way because I am interested in most things. But like, idk football? Had people clearly upset that I showed zero interest in the “big game” that “meant a lot to them”. And I don’t really respect boundaries about it. like idc if the big game is on like it’s never been a valid excuse to de-prioritize anything else. I think I might have a double standard here but I can’t tell. I personally would never choose to do my hobby over something i’m expected to do like a chore or choose my hobby over spending time with my partner so I can’t empathize when people do.

Empathy in general is just hard for me. I can’t do it, I cant be “understanding” if I think you’re wrong, and I think people are wrong soooo often. Like my roommate will be upset if I set a boundary. Okay I don’t care? It’s a boundary why are you upset it isn’t about you. For example I was routinely annoyed at her overspending and overcrowding of the fridge, so I told her she can’t keep doing that and that I want to split sides of the fridge between us so our food is separate. And she was upset and tryin to justify herself, and I didn’t understand it. Why are you explaining yourself when you’re just entirely wrong and my boundary is reasonable? I feel nothing in this situation. Or once I told her to stop leaving her things all over the counter and she said please i’m tired from work. Okay well so am I, can you and your things be tired in your bedroom? It’s insane to me to think you can use common areas like that, I wouldn’t do that myself. So I don’t get it.