My life isn't that bad. My family is amazing. They love me and support me (mostly). I've been depressed for years and my family is aware. They do so much for me. I haven't been honest with them about how bad I've been feeling because I don't want to be any more of a burden. Especially because it's all my fault.
Life has been getting very real recently. I'm at my 5th semester of college and at this point, I feel like I can't change my major. I picked a school states away from home because I had been telling everyone I wanted to study forensic science. And I think it's a cool topic, but science has never been my strongest subject and grades stress me out. Grades mean a lot to me. My parents have never put pressure on me to get good grades but all throughout high school I was a straight A student. Now I'm in college, struggling with classes like physics and biology and organic chemistry. I've gotten multiple Cs now and it hurts. I listen to my roommate complain about her grades and I want to be a good friend and make her feel better but I wish I had her problems with grades. Right now, a B is her worst fear and I wish that was my life.
I wish I could change my major. Forensics is cool, but it's never been my dream. I wish I could study English or do creative writing, but I know those jobs wouldn't provide me with a stable life. I feel trapped studying a topic that is killing me and all I want to do all the time is just sleep. I love sleeping. I don't ever dream so it's just black and it's great. I just want to sleep forever. Sometimes I daydream about ending my life, but I love my family and wouldn't want to do that to them. Sometimes I wish a car would hit me as I cross the road. Maybe it would hurt them less if I didn't do it myself.
The worst part of it all is that it feels like I don't even deserve to feel this way. My problems are so small and insignificant. So many people out there have it so much worse than me. So many people out there would give anything to swap places with me. I have so many good things in my life. My family is great. I'm going to my "dream college". I have 2 friends (I didn't have any friends in high school so having 2 now is a dream come true). I am so grateful for all I have, but I still hate living. I just want to die but I love my family too much. So instead I just wish I was dead all the time.