I (27F) came out as bisexual to my parents TEN YEARS ago, when I was 16. They didn’t seem to really care much, and while I was nervous I remember it going okay, likely because I was still dating a high school boyfriend at the time. Shortly afterwards, I broke up with him for a number of reasons, the main one being that I had a huge crush on a girl in my high school. We became fast friends, and then started dating (think Hayley Kiyoko “Girls Like Girls” vibes). I quickly realized I was most likely a lesbian, not bisexual.
When I told my parents that I was in a same-sex relationship, my mom freaked out. Like, screaming-throwing a tantrum-freaked out. For the last two years of high school, my life and relationship with my family was a living hell. My mom was extremely verbally abusive (and one time physically- she back handed me on the face with her wedding ring hand), saying things like “You’re being influenced by a bad crowd”, “I don’t like her, I think she’s evil”, “You’re not gay, I would have known”, “I didn’t raise a d*ke for a daughter”, and much worse. This pushed me to do things like lie, sneak out, and have “beards” for school dances/events in order to see my girlfriend. My dad never cared that I was gay, and tried his best to “keep the peace”, but didn’t stand up for me as he was extremely loyal to my mom and was also going through some intense health issues. The environment got bad enough that my dad coordinated to have me live away from my family for a few months, to try and create space between my mother and I and bring some peace in the house. My mother and I’s arguments took up a lot of space, and made the house hostile for everyone, including my younger sibling.
It is safe to say that my mother is extremely emotionally immature.
Fast forward to now. I put myself through college by joining the Army, as my mother kept threatening to pull my tuition and even though I had scholarships I still didn’t have enough in my savings as an 18 year old to pay even my first semester’s tuition. I had a successful four year career as a military officer, saved enough to quit after my first contract, and have been living with my girlfriend "Rachel" (31F), since 2025.
The last 9 years, my relationship with my family has improved, partially because of the huge geographic distance I’ve kept between them (my mom is tolerable to be around for short periods so long as she doesn’t have to witness me being gay), and because I’ve never asked for financial assistance. Becoming self-reliant has been an empowering and necessary experience for me.
Now to the conundrum. A few months ago, I told my mother over the phone that I would be proposing to Rachel, that I bought a ring, and that I was planning to do it this spring. I’ve repeated that I would love for my family to meet her, as they hadn't yet. When I told my mother this, she immediately “had to go” and hung up the phone. We haven’t talked about it since. Though my dad kept bringing up that he and my mom should come to visit, it’s been five months and they still have not. My mom did offer for us to visit them, but not during Christmas as it would be too busy (the only time that Rachel could go, as she is currently in school full time). Rachel has met many of my extended family members who live closer to where we are now- various cousins, aunts, uncles, & grandparents on both sides of my family. They all love her.
Unexpectedly, Rachel proposed to me before I got the chance to this weekend. It was incredible. She is so thoughtful, and made it truly one of the most special experiences I could have asked for, complete with the location, friends present, timing, even the RING (I’m not a big fan of expensive jewelry, I can’t stop staring at it its everything I never knew I wanted)- all of it is a weekend I’ll never forget. It feels so good to be loved and known so dearly by someone, and I want to continue to be the same for her.
I have no idea what or when to tell my parents, mainly my mom. They haven’t made the effort to visit, and honestly I don’t even want my mom to meet Rachel at this point (I’d love my dad to come, as he’d love her). Every other girl I’ve dated has been understandably terrified of my mother, and felt extremely uncomfortable around her to the point of it causing arguments in our relationships. My mom was barely cordial with them, and while she never said that didn’t like that we were together in front of them, she didn’t have to. She only ever calls them “my friend”, and has insisted that I not “flaunt” my relationship when I’d bring girls home to visit. My mother is deeply afraid of people (neighbors, her family, etc.) knowing that I am gay. (News flash to her, I’m pretty sure everyone knows. It’s been 10 years). They do live in a small town, but it’s even stranger considering that it is a very tolerant and queer friendly town.
I don’t want my parents to find out through social media, however my mom has done nothing to earn the privilege of being notified before an official engagement announcement. I am afraid to deal with her reaction, regardless of how she finds out. I’m both ecstatic and heartbroken – I want more than anything for my parents to be excited for me during such a massive milestone of my life. I feel so sad that Rachel’s family is so accepting and loving toward me, but that I can’t offer her the same thing from my biological family.
So, what do I DO? Do I text someone in my family before telling her? Like her sister? Or my dad? Or do I just call my dad / brother and not bother to tell her personally because she evidently doesn’t want to know about that side of my life? HELP. This is giving me anxiety and I just want to be happy and enGAYged.