I’m no longer a Christian (But I still believe)
My entire life I have always wondered, why was I put here? Why was I born? Why me? Eventually after a series of traumatic events happened to me from childhood following to adulthood the question formed to a statement:
I wish I had never been born.
This year I was clinically diagnosed with bipolar depression. Not a huge shock. I always knew I was depressed but I didn’t fully understand the depths of it. I didn’t think of depression even as a real illness or something to be treated. I thought depression was something to just be tolerated and not something you could actually work through with medication and therapy. Healthcare was not really big in my family and mental health even smaller than that. Even though I encourage so many people to get help and get support when they are experiencing seasons or episodes of mania or depression I always just… silently power or suffer through mine because I thought that was holy. I thought that’s what God called us to do when we’re suffering.
Endure.
Eventually I got saved. It wasn’t long until I began asking God why he created me? Why did he put me here? There were days I was so depressed I didn’t even want to get out of bed. I would feel so purposeless, so hopeless, and so lonely, and I just didn’t understand. I couldn’t understand why he put me here when he knew I was going to be suffering like that. When he knew that I wasn’t even going to want to be here. A lot of my friends, and people in the church would tell me, “God has a purpose for your pain. Try to see what God may be teaching you, it’s not the first time you’ve been through this you know.” Or “Your pain is a testimony.” Oh man, this one is my favorite. I hear this one often from one particular friend. “I think this is spiritual.” Which in my experience often diminishes the very real pain and trauma of what I’m going through and essentially blames it all on the devil. Come on now, don’t give him that much power. The spiritual bypassing hits hard.
God forbid it to be a genuine illness. You wouldn’t tell a person with diabetes that the devil was attacking their body or that their pain and suffering was glorifying God. You would tell them to change their lifestyle. Not praying harder, not worshiping God.. You tell them to take their medication. Why do we do this with mental illness or genuine pain and trauma that people go through?
Anyway.
Eventually that question morphed into something a little bit bigger. I wasn’t just thinking about my suffering anymore. I was thinking about the suffering of the world and how despite all the suffering all the evil that goes on In the world I still believe that God is good. I don’t believe God’s goodness is measured by any circumstance or any situation or how greatly or how easily he may bless me. And that’s if and when he chooses to. But his goodness is defined off of his personality- that he’s merciful when he doesn’t have to be. That he’s kind, and funny in my opinion, and I don’t know, loving? Which makes my question hurt more. How could such a loving, kind, and compassionate person like Jesus put me and people like me in this world to experience such great pain just because he loved us and because he promises that the everlasting life with him will be better? And what about all those people who won’t follow him?
I’ve been hurt. A lot. So much that now I can fully understand and recognize why some people walk away from the faith. I truly can. It’s hard to separate church hurt from God hurting you himself. The weight of expectations that pastors, friends, and spiritual leaders place on you are absolutely crushing. It’s easy to distort their expectations and let them shift to what we believe is God’s expectations.
We’re supposed to be his body and yet we do more wounding of each other than the unbelievers do to the body of Christ. I just think about people who won’t follow God because he’s been so poorly misrepresented to them or people who will never hear the gospel and they suffer and they live horrible lives, but because they don’t want to believe in him they’ll perish for all eternity? What if someone just doesn’t want to bear the weight of carrying their cross? What if someone doesn’t want to fight against their sin for urges because sometimes it’s to be honest you guys, we just get tired. God knows that, God knows who will and won’t choose them and he still places them here on earth to suffer and yes sure maybe they’ll experience some good things too but if we stick to the whole hell is eternal and a horrible place logic that kind of falls apart very quickly. I was reading a blog once and a woman said the reason why she didn’t believe in God and she no longer considered herself a Christian was because she couldn’t reconcile herself with following her God that creates people just to destroy them. That hit was different. I think that perspective really changed something in me.
I was sober for the first give or take 3 years of my walk with Jesus. I broke it when I got into this really bad episode which wasn’t my first depressive episode since I had followed him. It was just the worst one thus far. But I broke that and it’s not because I love to get drunk it’s not because I love to get high or because I love sin but because I needed comfort and relief and I couldn’t get it in God, I couldn’t get it from prayer, I couldn’t get it from the Bible, I couldn’t get it from the church, and I couldn’t get it with friends. Unfortunately the counterfeit comfort was the only comfort that touched anything. And for that I deserve to perish and be separated from God for all eternity? That’s not much of a choice and it’s not fair. None of us asked to be born and I definitely didn’t ask to be born with the sinful desires of the flesh. That was given to me by Adam. T’f? None of us asked to live and suffer with the consequences of a fallen broken world and yet we have been subjected to it. I won’t deny this, yes Jesus chose to enter into this suffering as well. I had a friend recently tell me that that’s a good enough reason. That’s a genuine reason, and it is a genuine reason but it still was his choice. He still chose to do that and he always knew he was going to have to. What about us? We didn’t choose to be here and now it’s carry your cross and follow me or perish? That’s not much of a choice. If the latter choice is an awful consequence then that’s not much of a choice, it’s more so coercion.
Again, when I had this discussion with a friend she told me, “Well I know that life doesn’t get any better apart from God. Do you think leaving would make your depression any better?” To answer her question, no. I don’t think leaving the faith would make my depression any better, but continuing in it hasn’t made it any better either. I don’t believe that proximity to God spares you from pain and I also don’t believe that distance from God spares you from blessings. The Bible says the rain falls on the just and the unjust and that the sun shines on everyone. People tend to skip that though when they hear that you’re considering leaving the faith, because they begin to have fear and project their fear and beliefs and their expectations of what you should do as a “Christian.” I’ve learned to stop accepting those burdens and its one of the healthiest decisions I’ve made recently.
After these thoughts and honestly so many more I’m left with the question, “Do I even want to be in a relationship with God?” Not because of what I’ve been through, but because of who he is and how he does things. Can I follow a man that operates that way? I’m not sure anymore. Not only that, I’m tired of the cost of holiness and what it’s had on my life and how it’s manifested in my life. And I’m not afraid to say that. I’m exhausted by faith, I’m exhausted by grace, I’m just exhausted. I’m tired. And for all my faithfulness what did it get me? Nothing. The goal is supposed to be Jesus. It’s supposed to be God and I’m at a point in my life where that goal is no longer worth all that I’m going through right now. That’s just the truth and I’m no longer going to deny it.
I’m not an atheist but I’m also not a follower. I don’t believe I could ever get away from God or his presence. I don’t believe that there is any other God than him. When I wake up in the morning I wake up with the knowledge that he allowed me to wake up but I also move on to my day with the knowledge that I still have some choice to choose. Just like the rich young ruler walked away because the cost was too high for him, I’m counting it too and right now?
It’s too high for me.
