I'll start by giving a small background. Married over a decade. Kids. Big home. White picket fence. Just me (husband) working. STBXW switched to stay at home for most of the relationship when kids came because our families live elsewhere. Recently over past several years picked up part time work and then has bounced around between those for her own sanity. Frustration from that built etc, but not much of a choice until kids became older due to no help and costs of and concerns over childcare that is not family.
Fast forward, occasional fights over years. Mix of unhappiness and not being fulfilled. Myself I just viewed it as I'm doing the right thing, working my butt off to provide for family and ensure they have all needs delivered. I am a very present parent and father. It's true we neglected each other though, but I am super present in the children's lives and involved in nearly all aspects of their day to day.
Recently in the past couple years, STBXW signs up for gym with personal training. Heavily into it. In fairness, did want me to come with her but due to work schedule I never really could. Over time, as her body improved, noticed all the typical red flags. Hiding me on social media from posts, changing content of social media to exclude references to me, etc. Started wearing more revealing clothing when going out with friends all night long. Noticed started wearing sexy underwear to the gym (Never wore them for me and always hated them). Changes to body grooming etc. Called out for for being jealous and stupid. TLDR ... went as you expect with a twist. Asks for separation to "figure things out" and that she eventually wants divorce likely. Meanwhile, absolutely still entirely dependent on me for day to day decision making, comfort, anything. Not just kids related either. Her own personal decisions "what should I do? what do you think?" etc. Still expects me to go out of my way for her and treat her overall like I would treat her if we were "together". Discovered she enjoys women now too. Try to be understanding of this aspect though not ignoring the other obvious red flags. Still pretty amicable to each other. Ironically better relationship including physically than when "together". Figured awkward but... obviously the connection is still there but
Fast forward a few months of.. awkwardness but fun i guess. Mutual decision (initiated by STBXW) to give it a shot again officially. Didn't last two weeks. At this point I am no longer interested in attempting to salvage this anymore. She claims to be into women only etc. Cool. Turned my wife gay. Oh well. Least I got a funny story. Upset about it, but if truly only interested in women... Kind of not properly equipped to handle that physically and I can't really do much about that. Except to be cordial and divorce cleanly without fighting while she has her own stress and obviously for the kids. Initial talks about timeline and when is best for kids, how it will be done, how it will least impact kids etc. Not really in alignment there and it's clear only one person did any homework on this. (me). She has very unrealistic expectations. (I should leave, she gets to keep the kids 100% of the time in her head, etc. Not how it works and even though my state is a no fault state, there's 0 evidence of anything that would disqualify me for close to joint. In her head the man is expected to leave and the woman gets everything. But, then in the same sentence, says that she doesn't want my money, and that she doesn't want me out of the life and i am free to come in any time to see the kids etc. Obviously unlikely.
Entire time, STBXW going out with the girls and there are other men there as well. She made no secret that her new physique is fun and that the attention she gets is great. Enjoying her semi single life while living off my paycheck and having a safe home to come home to at 4 am.
Fast forward weeks recently. Even though at this point I was pretty much checked out, I overheard something that made me suspicious of what she says being true. TLDR found explicit evidence with an old ex boyfriend from before we met that used to be a reoccurring fling with her. She had told me she ran into him awhile back in passing, and I had even then made a comment about how much that dude irked me unreasonably back then even though there was no reason for it. well, figured out how low she thinks of me (and little even at all) and where i stand in that plan. Also what she is doing in the other room when she goes and closes the door to relax yet is on the phone.
Obviously, lawyer is now an immediate direct step as it's obvious the complete disrespect and disdain she has for me, and it's clear I cannot trust her word in this and how little she thinks of me it wouldn't matter. Not that I expected much of a different outcome, but I did not expect the disregard for my feelings to be so targeted and disregarded. I obviously can't trust her intentions and expect this to go into full fury mode. (I was in a foul mood for the past several days and very cold to her (but fine in front of kids obviously) and she's been yelling at me that im an asshole and that she doesn't deserve that etc. All the while trying to justify various things she did that are nowhere related to the item at hand and... ultimately in a panic. (I'm guessing she realizes I know something new but no idea what and probably has so many different things fucked up that she's done she can't even figure out which it is.) Either way, that doesn't matter.
I guess this is a semi rant to make myself feel better, but serious question at the end. Our case is not a standard family court issue. I work in an industry with various stock grants, we have several high value assets, etc. I know I need a better class of lawyer than the standard one, but I have NO idea how to compare these. How do you tell other than zooming in on law firms that specialize in certain kinds of divorces? How do you know which is good or not? There's as far as from my research not much wiggle room on my end if she actually went to push hard against me. And there's obviously trying to figure out whats best for the kids. (I'd like to not disrupt their lifestyle too much if possible this will be very difficult on them to begin with.)
I thought I was ok with this process, and it would work out and get a little dicey but probably be fine. I did not expect to learn how low my ex actually. I did not think her capable of being this way, especially to me. Bitter and resentful sure but... not openly spiteful and think that little of my feelings. I've been sitting here for over a day now with that adrenaline shakey feeling that comes with upset and anger. It feels awful. Every part of me wants to just serve her, get out of here in a way that doesn't hurt my chances with my children, but at the same time we had agreed previously on timelines to make it easy on the children. In retrospect I realize that was likely just for herself go buy herself time, but still.