Sounds impossible but I've never really felt at peace. My birthday is in 2 months and I want to commit through OD before it happens. I'm just waiting for this semester to end. A lot of people said it felt just like sleeping so I thought I'll give it a shot. Idk, at this point I feel like I can't go back to where I regressed.
Hello! This is my first time posting on reddit, please help me out.
When I was in high school (pandemic), things were really hard and I felt so lonely even though I was with my family 24/7. This was the time where I kind of distanced myself from my family due to the influence of a toxic friend group. Luckily, I cut ties to them but the damage was done. My family isn't fully supportive either, my parents are the type of people who'd support you but the instant you make a tiny mistake, they would throw hurtful words and sometimes kick you (literally). Although the physical punishments were more apparent when I was a kid, now that I'm in college, they'll just say hurtful things most of the time. I'm also the youngest of my family and my siblings are very smart and capable in terms of academics and social life which made me feel like I was living in their shadow (a lot of professors compared me to them).
So back then, I really was thinking of self-exiting, but a friend talked me out of it and supported me. We are still friends to this day and I started making connections that may seem small to others, but is enough for me. I thought life would go well and I would forget the thoughts I had back then but I wouldn't be making this post If I was okay.
Just before graduating high school, a major clash between me and some of my classmates happened. It fully destroyed the confidence and stability I had built for the past couple of years. In the past, I would breeze through an exam and pass even without reviewing, won't overthink each word when conversing with other people, and just have fun. But now, I noticed that I started to regress. I can't focus on my academics because I'm always overthinking things and the future that I know is not set in stone. I tried reaching out to my friends, but at the same time, they have their own problems too and I don't want to ruin their mood by saying that I want to self-exit.
I've been thinking of booking a counselling session since there's one in our university, but I don't have the courage to do so. I thought about how I wanted to commit and I picked an option. However, my mind questioned if it would hurt so I realized that maybe, there's still hope.
Any suggestions and advice would be helpful. Thank you.