I'm at a loss of what to do. Here are the cliff notes:
- I make all the money.
- My husband is a stay at home dad but doesn't do anything I feel a stay at home parent should do. Doesn't play with our daughter or teach her anything. Doesn't cook, clean, do dishes, grocery shop. Anything.
- So I'm left to pay all the bills and do all the house work.
- Husband has struggled with depression for years worsening after his brother's suicide. He refuses medication or mental help.
- He will help around the house if I pay him. We fight about this a lot. I don't think I should need to pay my husband to help me. I do it out of desperation when I feel like I'm drowning in house work. Unfortunately I always pay additional money for him not to complain about the work and just do it. I don't allow him access to money because he has terrible spending habits but I cover everything he needs for the most part. I'm happy to give him money sometimes because I can't imagine not having fun money but sometimes I still need to stick to a budget and need help. I've tried to setup an allowance system for him if he keeps up with chores but he doesn't.
- He is a horrible influence on our 4 year old. He is downright mean to her at times. He is doing the opposite of teaching her anything remotely close to emotional regulation so she is a handful too.
- He gets mad that I undermine his "discipline" but his discipline is toxic. Like trapping her in her room with him for an hour until she calms down. Because that is sure to work on a 4 year old. 😒 Throwing away toys, mocking her etc.. I'm not a perfect parent but it's hard to sit by and not step in.
- I work from home so all day I listen to them scream at each other. It's hard to get work done.
- I have zero free time to enjoy life because I have to watch her as soon as I'm done with work and essentially all weekend long trying to give her the most time possible with one stable parent.
- I can't afford daycare without him working but he doesn't want to work.
- I'll be fair and say for the last few years I haven't been a great wife. It's hard to respect him or even want to touch him when I feel like our entire relationship has been him letting me down over and over. I have a lot of resentment. I'm harsh and cold towards him.
- He has very brief moments where he pulls himself up by the bootstraps and shows up. He's in a good mood. He helps around the house. He is nice to our daughter. It's about 10% of the time.
- I don't want to divorce. I love him even in his worst moments. But I also can't stand to be around his energy. It literally feels like a weight is on my chest when he is around. When he isn't around my daughter is in a better mood. I'm in a better mood. Everything runs better. I can't tell him that because he has struggled with suicidal thoughts all centering around the idea that we are better without him.
So what do you do with a husband who is dragging everyone down, refusing to help himself, but is suicidal? I do believe he loves me. He is loyal. But I'm so tired of feeling like a single mom to two children. I worry about the impact of his attitude on our daughter. But I can't do anything without feeling like I'll push him over the edge.
She is one year away from kindergarten and he dreams of becoming a tattoo artist. Maybe this is just a terrible blip of time. I'm hoping him working again and getting out of the house will fix a lot of this, but I'm a year away from that. 😭
Edit: I will say my fear in leaving him (which I really don't want to do) is that I just moved our family across the country. He has no one here. He would be forced to move back and wouldn't see his daughter. I lived that childhood and I don't want that for my daughter.