u/Key-Background782

I just had a session, like a few minutes ago I got out of it.

I didn't pay attention to it the entire week between this and our last. I thought every now and again, but nothing like I normally did.

And today, she brought up some topics I usually do talk about, since I wasn't gonna start it, and stuff like that. And I just didn't wanna talk, I just wanted to chat the whole time. That's all we did for atleast half of it. But I just found it wierd that before last week's session, I wanted to talk. I had things in mind etc. and this week it's just, poof, gone.

Maybe because I had a busier week and actually planned to do things and didn't sit around all the time and think like I usually do. But I just didn't want to talk to my therapist about "therapy topics".

It's like I got distracted from the neverending loop I felt of wanting to talk, and not wanting to. Then it came back and hit me like a truck mid session today.

Just a really odd experience..

We've been working together for about a year and a half give or take. And I've always struggled with this addiction, since longer than I can remember actually.

But in the recent years it's gotten really bad, I started acting quit bad, and making stupid decisions just for the same feeling. I didn't care who I affected and what I did and didn't do.

And recently (a couple weeks ago) had an experience which was like a smack across the face, and I realized how bad I actually was. So I decided to try and quit, and never told my therapist because I'm so embarrassed. It hasn't gone well at all, either I think 24/7 about it and give in, or I feel like complete shit get myself to stay away for a bit, and then give in anyway.

I'm realizing I don't really have a choice anymore if I wanna get any further in quitting, I have to tell her. It's going to be insanely embarrassing, and I wanna shrivel up into a ball and implode from just thinking about it. Not even mentioning the stupid shit I'd done when I was younger because I didn't care, that'll probably come up too at some point too. Which is even worse.

Just needed to vent I guess. Fuck it's gonna be awful.