u/Key-Airline204

An update to this, thanks for your comments. https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/9oyexA3trN

Obviously not everything is fixed, but we did a RADAR and agreed we should do these more regularly.

I came armed with a visual representation of his week because I have learned visuals help, and he was floored about how little free time he has. We’ve agreed to spend all day Sundays together do together things and a date and to also have a weekly scheduling session as well as a standing week night evening together.

He apologized about a variety of things, definitely wants to work on the relationship, and I said that we can, however from my perspective we can also downgrade it if he can’t keep agreements.

I have told him I am done raising men and he gets that.

He explained that he’s not used to a partner being as independent and he struggles to interpret when I need help and that’s something we will both have to work on.

He agreed not to slot in more activities when his time opens up a bit more as we need that for our relationship.

And also I was wrong, he’s aware he has adhd tendencies but was never tested. He very easily agreed to get tested as he’s seen this is impacting his education and our relationship.

He’s looking in to a shared chores app so that he can keep track of things but also I can add things if I want (but no I’m not in charge of that, but it also gives him a visual reminder of what he is doing or not).

Some of you remember that we have sex frequently and we currently are not having sex. My feelings are just hurt and also with the lack of time going in to the relationship, I don’t feel connected. No pressure on his side but I’m sure he’s dying.

We have only been living together for 4 months but have been together 2 years and we may go to counseling as it’s hard to all summarize here but we do have long term plans and while sometimes the chores are lacking they are better than I have seen previously in relationships. The financial issues… that’s what he’s back in school for to improve.

I appreciate everyone’s comments and we are still working on things but overall it went well. I’m not throughly convinced everything will be fine, only time will tell.

But, even this morning I shared about something that happened to a friend of mine and he was more empathetic than usual, and asked follow up questions. It’s a start.

I also think with my metas and ex metas, yes, they ask him for very clear, specific things, with a relatively quick solution, and that’s easy for him to do (although I made it clear not on my time). And I see him like that with me as well, bringing me morning coffee, nightly back rubs, etc.

So no I’m not ready to throw the whole man away but it’s going to take some work. And yes I’m still annoyed and that will take time as well.

I have realized my nesting partner has some time blindness in that he tends to take on a whole lot and still somehow think everything is going to come together swimmingly.

I posted a while ago how he was talking to like 12 women with no real plan to connect with them, but open to it, and how I found that a little exhausting as someone who previously preferred some knowledge about metas just in general for a few reasons… not heads up before sex per se or anything like that but more general knowledge about who they are to avoid people I know in a professional capacity from providing services, mainly. Of course in his downtime and our less structured together time, he’d text them, which would be ok with a handful but I found 12 to be… impractical. Anyway to his credit he did scale back on that a little as some connections petered out.

Currently he works two jobs and is upgrading and has only two weekday evenings a week free, and only one full free weekend day, the other he has an evening commitment and is free in the day. On one of those free weekday evenings, he needs to do some prep for his upgrading. If he picks up a work shift, he won’t have a free weekend day.

I work from 8-4, M-F, and sometimes have a WFH thing I can move around. So currently we have unstructured evening time together when he gets home from night class, for like an hour or two before bed. We have sex 1-3 times a day.

This last week there was stuff going on so we had two dates but that’s very unusual. Sometimes we don’t have an official date at all, but like a planned experience of watching our series all day or whatever. This past week although we were originally meant to have the whole weekend together, things became not that planned by Sunday and he ran out to help a meta in an emergency which then turned in to a meal. Then later we went on an errand together to do something for another meta which was him trying to compromise in that we were together but this thing still got done.

If you have read this far, bless! Here we go.

Meanwhile I have been having some health issues, and he’s aware. I feel vulnerable. And not particularly supported. He knew I went for years and don’t ask how it went that day, i told him the doctor called me and he didn’t say anything. He had another time to talk to me in person between two commitments. He didnt. Later he said he didn’t feel he had the time to discuss it so he dint ask. I have raised this and he’s empathetic. I contacted one of my other partners and discussed what was going on with me medically and he’s been a good support.

Meanwhile it’s come up that ex meta wants to spend one of his free evenings with him this week. He has two free evenings a week. So this means I’ll have Saturday afternoon and Sunday night I guess.

I’m starting to feel a little resentful about the whole thing. I feel like I put in a lot more to keeping the house going, chores, and money. He does do things but also he’s forgetful and he has no time, it’s enough but it’s not outstanding.

I don’t want to shit all over him because I do know he has a lot on his plate. But I find myself a little put off by his behaviour.

He’s a piss poor planner. He took half a day off a couple weeks ago because we had to go do something and he didn’t tell me that was his plan so I didn’t take that time (I easily could).

I don’t want to play games but I have talked about this type of thing before, just not every scenario as it comes up because I don’t want to nag. I feel like now the thing to do is just maybe to let him reap what he sows until he figures it out.