My [42M] gf [42F] arranged an overnight visit to her previous bf, and failed to tell him about me
Please be gentle as this is my first real relationship since I was widowed about a year ago. This woman is so lovely in so many ways and so kind and compassionate to me.
In March she said she'd received some memes from her last bf (together 7 years, it finished 4 years ago) and she was angry that he'd reentered her life. She split up with him as far as I know. At the time I said if you want to reconnect, go for it, but implement clear boundaries. I'm not a jealous person.
Fast forward to this weekend, she mentioned that she'd arranged to see him and was I ok with that. I said yes. Long silence, so I thought I best ask some clarificatory questions. It transpired that she was going to drive to his home (3 hours away). I asked where she would stay, she said his house, and then when she gauaged my reaction, she said "though I told him I'd probably camp, and he said he'd join me". I then asked "does he know about me", she said no.
I stewed on it for a few days and asked her to meet up. I asked her these two questions:
- her meeting him wasn't an issue, but going to his home, or camping together, felt way too intimate for a platonic friendship, the first time they'd seen each other in 4 years. And why didn't she choose a daytime coffee halfway between. Her answer was - well you seemed cool with it, but i see how it looks now. Sorry.
- she must have been messaging him a fair bit in order to get to a point where they're meeting up, and that's a chapter of her life in the last few months that i'd completely missed, and every time she messaged him she had a choice to tell him about me and she didn't. Why? She didn't have a good reason for this - really it came down to "he didn't ask me so i didn't ask him", and "it was awkward to talk to him about a new relationship".
Now, I know she likes me a lot. She tells me all the time. However, none of this behaviour is acceptable, right? Consciously or unconsciously she's been leaving a door open for him - whether romantically or emotionally?
Like, I am not overreacting in thinking she's breached some serious hard lines? It has been so long since I was unsettled like this in a relationship before I don't know what is right or wrong.
And, say I forgive her, what does our relationship look like moving forward? I don't want to police her at all - that would make me resent her and her resent me. But also, wouldn't I just continue to wonder when the next time is she's going to put herself in an emotional/romantic situation that conflicts with our relationship again?
Has anyone been in this situation before and overcome?
Edit: when we met up, she did tell me that she'd just told him about me. So there is that I suppose.