Hey, I’m Kendall. I was wondering if u guys could lend me some advice regarding sexuality. I’m 19 and a masc lesbian and I have no qualms with that. I’ve been out since 7th grade and I’m comfortable with who I am, but unfortunately I’ve never been completely comfortable with the topic of sex. I dated one girl in 7th grade. She was cool, but she was in the closet the 1st half of our relationship and that brought out a lot of insecurities regarding me being inadequate in comparison to men.
Then I had this awful experience in high school. I was friends with this girl from freshman year to senior year. I was attracted to her, but she had a boyfriend so I didn’t pursue anything. However, she would make advances and sophomore year she kissed me, while being with said boyfriend. I didn’t not like it, but I was confused. Why would she disrespect someone she claimed to care about? When I asked her she said “he wouldn’t care cause ur girl”. That hurt. I didn’t cut her off though, I convinced myself that I was being dramatic.
After sophomore year I moved to another state, but we still kept in touch. Senior year, I came to visit my hometown and invited her to hang out. We walked around, browsed the mall, and when it got late we settled down at my Airbnb. We started to get intimate. It was irresponsible of me cause I knew deep down what she was about, but I was tired of going back forth regarding my feelings for her a decided it wouldn’t be harmful to just get it out my system. I thought she just saw me as an experiment or someone to “conquer”, so I didn’t think she would care to treat this encounter as anything more than casual, but then she started to get vulnerable.
She started expressing how I made her feel and how long she’s been waiting for this moment. Then at one point she said she loved me. She would say that all the time platonically, but this was different. I’m one to match people’s energy, so I start to get vulnerable as well. I expressed how I struggle with gender dysphoria and that’s why don’t like to wear a strap or be compared to men. It feels like I’m giving into the dysphoria. Then not even 5 minutes later she says “I wish u had a dick so I could bounce on it”. Now that was the last straw.
I didn’t make it obvious cause I didn’t want to be rude or awkward, but I was so turned off. The whole experience was bad. I wasn’t in my element. She said she came 3x, but I doubt that. She would go on about her past experiences with men. She said heterosexual sex was boring, which I didn’t understand. It scared me because it sounded like she was expecting something from me that I wasn’t sure of.
Point is it fucked me up. Now I’m not in-tuned with that part of me at all. I’ve heard all my life that lesbian sex isn’t real and that one could never satisfy a woman without a penis, which I know is nonsense. Still I struggle with that insecurity. I was wondering if u guys knew of anything that could help. Also is it just me or is lesbian porn cringey for y’all too?