My ex’s cousins just disclosed years of abuse, and I am sick to my core
I’m a 37‑year‑old female. My ex is a 38‑year‑old male. We got together in 2012, married in 2016, had a son in 2018, and I left in 2023. We’ve been separated since then. The abuse I experienced with him was both sexual and verbal. Saying no to him made him whine, cry, and turn everything into a pity party about himself. From my experience, he does not tolerate the word “no.” I have other posts about his abuse towards me.
This week, I spoke at length with one of my ex’s first cousins, who is now in her late twenties. I’ve known her since 2012. Her home environment was often toxic, and from the beginning of my relationship with him, I tried to create a safe space for her. I treated her like a little sister, and she supported me through a lot. Now I feel guilty for ever exposing her to him.
She’s finally in a safer environment and working through her trauma, and she felt safe enough to tell me what had actually been happening to her for years. I don’t have words for the disgust and rage I feel. She told me my ex sexually abused her starting when she was a minor — first with “innocent” cuddling and sleeping in the same bed, then escalating to exposing himself, then touching, and eventually full penetration. This continued throughout my entire marriage.
She said she would come over to borrow our shower, and he would force himself on her while my son and I were upstairs sleeping. Or he would do it when I was at work and then act normal when I came home. Hearing this made so many things click into place in the worst possible way.
The worst part is that he is a massage therapist. When he worked under another therapist, he had complaints from clients about inappropriate touching and conversations. According to her, he would take her to the studio after hours, give her a “massage,” and then force himself on her. He did this after he lost that job, and even at his current workplace. His license should be revoked.
I had already hired a lawyer before this conversation happened, so that process is in motion. And no I didn't file for divorce right away the forces are expensive. But according to my lawyer, there’s nothing I can do right now regarding my son’s safety because there’s no criminal case yet. She isn’t ready to file a police report; she’s still dealing with severe PTSD, and I’m trying to respect her pace while also feeling sick with fear and anger.
I am so upset and disgusted, I want to scream. I want to throw up. I keep thinking about how he would abuse her and then come home and try to get it from me, too. When I left him, she helped me pack. She supported me through it. I always thought it was strange that he was angrier than at me for leaving. Now I understand why, he wasn’t just losing a wife. He was losing access to her. He wasn’t in a relationship with me. He was having one with her behind my back.
So here’s my question for anyone who has lived through something similar, like this: how do you co‑parent with someone capable of this level of abuse? How do you navigate custody, communication, and basic safety when the person on the other side is someone you now see as dangerous, manipulative, and capable of harming minors?