tl;dr: Struggeling with marrige. Partner has been struggling with motivation / energy and periodical depression. Things have not impvored over 4 years.
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I ('37M') have been married to my wife ('37F') for 10 years. We come from different backgrounds. We met while I was studying abroad, and she later moved to my country. We have had ups and downs, but the last 4 years have been very difficult.
Around that time, she started struggling with depression. She has never seen a therapist or doctor for it, even though I have suggested it. It lasted for some month and got better. It was triggered from (I believe) home sickness and near death of her father.
She is working, so she is not completely inactive, but at home things have changed a lot. She is however now not motivated for work either and has gotton sick leave.
From my perspective, life has been like this:
• I handle basically everything at home. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping and so on. She does very little of the daily tasks anymore. Even small things like bringing dishes back to the kitchen do not happen. Clothes pile up to the point where I have started putting them into boxes. Sometimes she will have a big burst of energy and clean a lot, but then she is completely burned out again right after.
• She spends most of her free time on her phone scrolling and has little interest in going out or doing anything together.
• She usually sleeps on the sofa. Our sex life is maybe once a month at best, often less.
• We do less and less common activies too. We used to go for walks, watch TV shows together, cook / eat together, play board games or home KTV. Because of finances we don't go out more than once a month. We barely do these now days.
I am introverted and tend to avoid conflict, so I struggle to communicate my concerns. When I bring things up, it often turns into arguments with a lot of crying and shouting from her. I usually stay calm, but after things cool down I often end up apologizing just to restore peace, even if the issue is not resolved.
We do not have kids.
I do not think she is lazy. I know she struggles with motivation and energy. But I am reaching a point where I do not want to still be living like this in 2 or 3 years and I have been hoping that and assuming that things will get better. 4 years in and it is draining me a lot and taking away a lot of joy from my life. I used to have friends over, cook dinners and be social. That has not really been possible for years because the home is either a mess or she does not want to see anyone.
My ideal outcome is to have a normal life again. Sharing responsibilities at home, being able to enjoy time together, having a healthy sex life, and not feeling like I am constantly walking on eggshells.
I care about her, but I am exhausted and do not know what the right thing to do is anymore.
It feels good to vent and write this down, but i am at a loss at what to do to improve this..'
Burner account since well, we don't like to show the world how real life can be.