Hey guys,
I recently made a post asking if anyone else is in a LDR where only one partner does the visiting. Reading the responses actually made me feel a bit less alone, so I wanted to share my own situation because I’m feeling really lost right now.
I met my partner 4 years ago through a video game. We became friends first, and after a couple of months we started dating. He lives in England and I live in Germany (about a 2 hour flight).
When we first met, I already struggled with social anxiety, but I was still able to leave the house. After a few months, he came to visit me for the first time. I was extremely anxious, I couldn’t eat for the first few days and felt terrible, but we still had a really nice two weeks together.
Since then, he’s been visiting me roughly every 3 months for about two weeks at a time. He works from home, which makes it easier. We usually stay in an Airbnb or at my sister’s place. Each time he visited it was really though for me. My anxiety just went crazy and for the first few and last few days I would feel horrible. Over time, I actually got more used to it. For example, last time he visited, I was even able to eat on the first day, which had never happened before.
We’ve been talking and spending time together almost every day for 4 years now. We’re both gamers and share a lot of interests, so our connection is really strong.
But about 2 years ago, my mental health got significantly worse. I started experiencing intense nausea in public situations, completely out of nowhere while I was in a café one day and since then, it happens almost every time I leave the house. Cafés, doctor’s appointments, family gatherings… I feel nauseous everywhere. It’s honestly become the worst symptom I’ve ever had, and I’m more scared of the nausea itself than the anxiety.
Even before that, I would already feel nauseous when picking him up from or dropping him off at the airport. Because of this (and especially now) I haven’t been able to visit him. I can barely handle being in a café without feeling like I’m about to throw up, so traveling to another country feels impossible right now.
So in these 4 years, I’ve never been able to visit him or meet his family and friends in person. And I want to. So badly. There’s nothing I want more. But I just can’t right now. I’m currently waiting for therapy and hoping to try new medication, but there’s no guarantee it will help.
A few days ago, my partner told me he feels like he’s been patient long enough and that he’s the only one making sacrifices. That really hurt. That hurt so bad.
What makes it even harder is that just a few days before that, I shared some really exciting news with him: I finally got my own place and will be able to move in by the end of this year. That means we wouldn’t have to stay in Airbnbs anymore, which is something we’ve both been looking forward to for years.
He also said his friends sometimes ask when I’ll visit, and he feels uncomfortable not having an answer and feels judged.
He told me that if I really loved him, I would come visit him. And that if I don’t start working towards it soon, the relationship might be over. He says I should at least take small steps but I don’t even know what those steps would look like when I’m already pushing myself every day just to function.
I do exposure as much as I can. I go to work, appointments, meet a friend at cafés… and almost every time I feel nauseous and awful. I’ve been trying for 2 years and it’s not getting easier. Right now, therapy and medication feel like my only hope.
I feel completely helpless. Like there’s nothing more I can do at the moment, and I’m going to lose him because of it. And that hurts so much, because I want a future where I can visit him, meet his family, and just live a normal life with him.
I guess I’m posting this because I don’t know what else to do. Maybe someone has been in a similar situation, or maybe someone just has some perspective or kind words. I’d really appreciate hearing from you.
Thanks for reading