So I'm not usually one to post on these subreddits or seek internet stranger help but I'm kind of lost right now and could use some assistance.
So I'm a college freshman living in dorms with a roommate from out of the city, I live near dorms, and we recently had something happen.
During lunch today, me, him, his partner, and 2 friends had one of those stupid cafeteria conversations about "if we had a hypothetical button that could get rid of a group of people, religion, ethnicity, sex, anything of our choosing, what would it be." It was funny and we had a laugh knowing it was a joke conversation, and we moved on.
At dinner, some more friends joined us who weren't there at lunch. So now it's me, my roommate, his partner, and 3 of our friends. We ask them the question and one friend says that she'd get rid of all men. We talk and agree, disagree, etcetera, and I bring up the point that r*pe would most likely go down if the whole world became just females. That's when my roommate tells me that it wouldn't be that much and that women are just as likely to commit rpe as men, he should know he's been date r*ped.
For context, my roommate has "boy who cried wolf"/trolling humor. He will tell fibs about small or big things for a laugh, but also tells crazy true stories that can also get a laugh, and that can make it hard to tell if his statement is a lie or the truth. He likes to troll about supposedly having a sister I've never met, or a lot of the time make small jokes for the moment. So my initial reaction to hearing about this statement for the first time was, "Oh, this isn't true." In my mind that's what made sense, we're having a stupid conversation, it's dinnertime, we're all tired from studying for finals, this is a joke. I laugh it off, saying "Really?" and he tells me, "Oh ya, I've been date r*ped before."
Here's where I make the stupid mistake and know I'm in the wrong. In my moment of stupidity I say, "Oh, look over there." To which he obviously doesn't turn his head and pretend I'm putting something in his drink, my hand is empty and I'm making a sprinkling motion over the glass. This doesn't get a reaction out of him, and I'm realizing he could be telling me the truth, and while all of this was happening our 2-3 other friends were in their own discussion, so it's me, him, and his partner. The partner is looking pissed at me, and my roommate is neither happy nor pissed, so now I'm confused.
They excuse themselves from the table and now I'm genuinely confused. I'm turning to my friends asking if they know the truth and they say he told them in October, but they understand the confusion because of his humor and the setting. They all found out when they were trauma dumping on one another, I found during a stupid conversation at dinner. So now I believe him, and I know already that my "joke" was horrible, so I head back to the room, grab my bag and study in our study room for 4-ish hours, and haven't yet seen him. When I come back into the room, first we've spoken since dinner, he asks if we should talk about dinner, to which I agree.
He tells me the joke was not funny and his partner is pissed, and I agree that the joke was bad and apologized as sincerely and profusely as I can to him about dinner and that he had to go through such a thing, but to understand that in that setting and with his humor, its hard to tell if he's lying, and that it was a total bombshell to drop that had my stupid brain thinking to "continue the joke".
I get that he never had to tell me about it, I get that as his roommate for only a year not everything needs to be shared, but his response was "It's okay, I knew you would react this way." and that really just hurt. I obviously wouldn't react that way in any other setting but to think his first thought was that I'm too inconsiderate or selfish to care, has truly broken me. Maybe it's the stress, maybe it's the guilt, but here I am in bed typing this all out having no idea what to feel or do.
Am I the asshole and if so how badly have I messed up?