How did you know it was time to separate when the marriage wasn’t “all bad”?
I’m a woman in my early 50’s, married for 23 years and I’m at the point where I am seriously considering separating. (We also have two kids in high school.)
There is no dramatic event, abuse, affair. It’s more of a long, accumulation of feeling like the relationship no longer supports the woman I’m becoming. I’ve spent years trying to be compassionate, understanding, helpful, but am realizing I may have confused empathy with over-functioning. It feels like I have a third child, not a partner. He doesn’t work. (I’ve been the breadwinner for the last 16 years.) He’s not handy around the house or cleans. He is a great dad, but not a great partner. He’s “tried” to find work (albeit sending 2-3 resumes out per month), but in my opinion- not a strong enough effort.
I’m struggling with the emotional complexity of leaving a marriage that isn’t all bad, but also no longer feels healthy or sustainable. I feel like I’m losing myself. And, ironically, I also feel like he’s lost himself. Enmeshment. And he refuses to go to therapy. (He did once but quit because he said he was only going to appease me not because he thought it was really being effective.) My read- he doesn’t want to do the work.
I’d love to hear from women who reached this kind of crossroads - especially after a long marriage in midlife.