[22m] I don't know what I want.
Okay so, I’m 22, currently in college, and I feel like I’m stuck in a loop. On the surface, I think i should be doing okay: I’m in a college band, I play basketball (better than most at my college, despite my height), I’m a total nerd, love bunking classes and sketch when I'm in the class room, and I’m actually pretty good at talking to people. I grew up with sisters, so I can talk to women without it being weird.
but in terms of attraction or actual dates? Zero.
I have a bit of a weird "ritual" for a college guy. I’m hyper-focused on grooming— like daily oil pulling, flossing, beard fades every Friday, and I am a perfume enthusiast. I also have Male Pattern Baldness (I think Norwood 2/3), so I keep my hair long and messy (saves time, since i have wavy to messy hairs they just curl up naturally) to cover my forehead. It’s honestly is a huge confidence boost for me, but my friends have told me it’s a bit "extra" and "gay", which honestly i don't mind.
but despite all that, here’s where I think I’m failing:
- I’m 5’5 (which honestly i don't mind like its genetic, which i can't change, but sometimes it make me think what if this actually is the culprit?). I’m also currently "boxy" and have put on weight (including man boobs, honestly) after a couple of bad ankle sprains took me out of basketball and into a sedentary programming lifestyle.
- I’ve been told I have a constant "fuck off" look when i am not talking or smiling, also I’m often in a state of melancholy, its like a default setting for me.
- I don't think i am emotionally very good, I’m a computer geek. I can talk about computer systems or sketches all day, but when someone gets emotional or cries, I freeze. I spent my teens in an all-boys hostel, and I don't know how to "console" people.
- I’m a "hopeless romantic" who wants to be cuddled (typing this make me feel like a pick me, but sometime i actually want someone to be next to me), but I’m also very "detachment" and "nihilist", also i am not sure if I actually want to be in a relationship or share my time or my space with anyone.
The other day, I tried to compliment a girl’s nails during a seminar (A girl I actually like). It started well, but then I froze, made it awkward, and didn’t say another word for an hour.
Am I like too "weird"? Or is it my "moody" energy is the issue? I feel like I do want to be in a relationship, but I also don't want one. Like what the actual fuck?