My husband and I are poly, with known hierarchy. We've been exploring poly for the last 18 months or so, after doing a lot of work on our relationship to strengthen our communication and resiliency.
As it goes, when we initially started dating new people, my cis, hetero, man did not have quick success. He experienced a lot of disappointment and frustration, and watched while it was easier for me to find dates, and then to build connections with people I was seeing. Meanwhile, he was putting in effort to message women, schedule meet-ups, and finding a lot of flakey situations, or just wasn't getting past that getting-to-know-you stage where you're still identifying if vibes/chemistry with someone is there.
A few months ago I started chatting with a man, and we made plans to meet up. Then I realized that his wife had connected with my husband, and so he made plans with her to meet up, as well. Since then, things have been going great.
We've all made really good connections, and have healthy 'base' relationships to explore from - communication has been good, generally, and we've worked through the small hiccups we've had so far. Some frustrations have started to arise on my end, and I'm wondering how to best go about communicating my feelings, or if it's just something I need to work on internally.
I'm worried that my frustrations will lead to resentment, and I want to head that off. However, I'm also very cognizant of the fact that we're all sharing partners, and I don't want to trigger defensiveness with my words, because we do have a good thing going here.
Is it best practice for us to have a group chat for conversations amongst all 4? We really only communicate within our shared couples. How do I go about sharing my feelings with the other woman, or do I? Should I rely on my hinges to do that?
ETA the frustrations I'm actively working through:
- Deprioritization: I've asked my husband for help with specific tasks he has declined due to 'not having time' because he's getting ready to go out with partner
- These are not domestic tasks - they are ME tasks. So, for this example, I asked my husband to drop a package off at the post office for me, but he didn't want to.
- Overlapping dates: My partner and I both work, as does my husband. When I schedule dates with my partner, sometimes we go out, sometimes we stay in at one of our homes. When my husband and his partner are planning their dates, they plan their own, but then also often plan to see each other at the opposite house we're at. I generally don't mind this, except that if the kids awake or have issues, he has to tend to them, which was not the original plan.
- Time splits: Because of the above issue, my husband and meta get to see each other more, as they plan their dates for the week, and then also see each other during our planned dates. But that additional time they get is sometimes at the sacrifice of the quality of my date with my partner.
- Inequality: My partner and I are the 'chill ones' in our relationships. In my marriage, I think I am more naturally poly and my husband has been putting in a lot of work to break down his monogamous perceptions. However, because I often have a much easier time, it feels like he can take liberties at times with making requests that he would not be supportive of receiving. An example here is that he requested to bring his partner back to our place after a date one night to have sex in our home, while I was asleep in a different room (not a bedroom, as we only have 2 and they were both occupied). He thinks it's ok to ask for these liberties because I don't generally have negative emotions about his dating others, and so I "might be ok with it".
- I do say no to these requests if I'm not comfortable with it - I'd never say yes to only appease him. However, I do get frustrated with the frequency of asks that 'push the boundaries', when I am always very cognizant of HIS comfort and happiness.