Hi I’m 18F and I genuinely just hate how my body and height looks right now. I just want something to push me or spark inside of me to lose some weigh and grow some height. I want someone or something to block my access to stuff unless I do my exercise. I don’t know what to do but just feel miserable and feel like giving up on myself. I literally just want to die, no exaggeration.
My entire life I feel like I was eating crap and I still am today. I remember everyday like every single day in my childhood I eat fast food like chicken nuggets, burgers French fries or pizza. Looking back now I feel disgusted at myself for the way I was eating, I can’t even bare going back to eating anymore even when I know that I’m hungry. My mother had always made fun of my weight but not my sisters because she’s eaten better food than I had but all I’ve been eating was crap for food. The whole thing led me to starvation I hate coming back to kitchen because it reminds me of the things I’ve been eating all day and also reminds me of what I am to my family. I genuinely hate myself and I just want to die so bad to forget who I am and abandon this body that I ruined myself.
I never thought of myself and my body as beautiful. What’s worse is that I have really bad scoliosis that could affect my life and might require surgery if don’t do something about it. I remember a few months ago I went to the doctors and they did an X-ray check on my spine, I was so shocked after I saw the results. I never felt this truly horrified at myself, looking at how my spine is right now makes me want to puke and just die right there. Later after I went to a physical therapist and they recommended me these daily morning exercises that help my spine improve, so I did them at least everyday or sometimes when I feel the need to, but because of my depression I’ve been kind of slow on my exercise. I’m still doing them but I feel it’s not helping my spine even when I try to do extra of them. I usually get little pains on my back once in a week or while if I had been in an improper position for too long.
I cry everyday because of myself I blame myself so hard even just for the littlest things. I hate myself so much it’s to the point where I just want to shoot myself right there. I wanna tear myself to damn shreds and forget myself. I can’t handle waking up everyday like this and accept that this is reality. I’ve been daydreaming for a long time, it’s been going on so long that I even believe my thoughts could be real. I always daydream myself as another version of myself with a different body. I’m mentally active and energetic when it comes to actually doing something for others, but I can’t get myself to literally move to do exercises. I wanna be taller with little muscles I wanna walk or run everyday outside when feeling energetic, I wanna go weights, go on hang bars, I wanna so badly play badminton, I don’t care if I get tired, I wanna keep going. I used to do that with a friend but they don’t really wanna play much so I just usually play by myself.
I hate myself so much, I’m not tall and stunning like those other girls I see even in real life. I knew my body was bad but my height is even damn worse.
I never minded about my short height at first until grew a little old started going on social media and seeing some tall girls in my school. They’re so gorgeous and stunning it makes me jealous and wish I was them. I can’t even put myself in outfits I see and like on tall women. it’ll look good on them but it won’t look good on me. It’s hard to even accept compliments now, I haven’t had a compliment since ever, but deep down I know what I am to myself.