u/JxsmineIsDumbAf

My mom’s friends recommended it to her so she applied to it for me and i got an offer letter. the fees are around 23.5 lakhs, which is pretty high but im willing to go for it if i can get smth positive out of it, i genuinely love coding but school curriculum messed me up, plus had a really bad disease for an entire year so i wasnt able to focus properly, i dont really care about college life and such, im pretty introverted so i really just want good connections and a nice placement if i work hard enough. Im not really getting any good college this year so i was thinking of taking a drop, but im scared of not being able to get a better college next year either and wasting an entire year. what would u suggest? is upes a good enough choice or would taking a drop be a better option considering that im literally at the bottom of the barrel and cannot sink any lower atp?

i had been trying so hard to stop myself because if i SH once, i keep getting the urge to do it every once in a while but im too weak, i couldn’t stop myself, i just wanted my hurt to feel real, and now i feel so guilty. i feel so bad everytime i wear clothes that show my thighs or the top of my arms, i promise myself i wont do it again and i always break it. idk what to do abt myself anymore, it feels pathetic.

i feel like i have no self control sometimes, i feel like a poser, like im an attention seeker even when nobody is seeing me. i lie to ppl abt my cuts but i still feel like im doing all this for attention everytime i decide to cut because my problems aren’t even that big. ive tried so hard to be clean, all my scars were healing but i just cant stop and i feel so pathetic, im sad today and all i can think of is losing control of myself. i feel like a loser. i cant even tell anyone abt this because of how pathetic it feels after a while. when you tell someone abt this the first time, they’re concerned but when they notice that you have no self control and aren’t making yourself better, they just give up on you and that feels the worst. i had an argument with someone i really care about, the problem is theyre the only person i would ever tell abt such issues but now i cant because that would feel like im pressuring them to be nice to me just because i have issues. idek why i post all of my emotions online, idk what i expect from ppl but i feel so lost rn. i feel helpless.

this might sound more like a rant than a question because im not in the mental state to frame things properly rn but we’ve been dating since 3 years and the trust factor is still lacking in all ways. he usually tells me everything that he feels is wrong after i pester him but no matter how much i try, i always end up messing up somehow.

we dont have a nice past attached with each other cause we started dating in high school when we were both very immature and have had a very on and off sort of relationship, i try to get over the past but somehow no matter how much i try it just doesnt leave my head, when we’re arguing i always somehow end up bringing up smth from the past that we decided we’re already over and that ruins the trust in his head.

today we had another argument because he feels that im too closed off and i dont tell him about the things in my life anymore, except the surface level stuff (i do have my reasons for that but i didnt want to seem like im deflecting at the moment so i just acknowledged the issue and said im sorry), he said that i always say sorry and then end up doing smth bad again after a while but im genuinely trying my best to be a good girlfriend, its just no matter what i do theres always a flaw and sometimes im not even able to find it until he tells me.

so while we were arguing, i ended up mentioning smth from almost 2 years ago that we both mutually decided to move past and he got really angry and i apologised again but he just said “what can we even do now? you’ll say sorry, ill force myself to forget this and we’ll go back to normal just a bit more awkward than before and smth else will happen again until i get exhausted and end things with you” and i felt so helpless because i seriously dont know how to mend things. i really want to get over things. i really want to just open up about my feelings but every time i do, it just makes him mad and i regret it. idk what to do. idk what im expecting by posting here. im just so frustrated rn.

i have already been told to just end things, get over it, find someone im more compatible with but i cant, ik it feels stupid to rant abt relationship issues when im just 18 but i genuinely cant like someone else, ive tried so hard to but i cant. how do i become compatible with someone without faking my personality?

so funny story lmao, wasn’t funny at the time cause i felt like crying but a while ago, i was talking to my mom about nikah namah and such and the details ppl put on it. My mom gets triggered whenever i mention islam at all for some reason, she is not a “good muslim”, doesn’t wear hijab, has a job, has male friends, wears western clothes, is divorced, doesn’t even pray daily or weekly so i never understand why she tries so hard to make me into a so called good muslim.

We were having a small argument and she argues that i’m worse than any non-muslim who talks badly about islam because i was born into this and i am disloyal for going against it, so I said “I’ve never even said anything bad about Allah or the prophet—“ before i could complete, she has a whole meltdown saying “You can’t even dare to say anything bad about them, i would kill you if you do, if i gave birth to you then i can kill you too. I didn’t want to give birth to Shaitaan” and when i use her own words against her saying “who are you to judge if i’m a good muslim or not? i thought only Allah could”, she gets completely pissed off and starts screaming. i really don’t know how someone can be so brainwashed to be honest and also close minded towards how lacking they themselves are.

Honestly i probably wouldn’t have questioned my faith when i was a kid if i didn’t have such a shitty and hypocritical upbringing, where everyone preaches about how a good muslim should be but no one follows.