I've always been obese. Never in my life have I been thin or average.
As a suicidal teen I knew if I died obese then I would be thrusting my family into the debt of paying for an XL casket and plot. I would shop around for caskets when I was at my lowest, and the price tags would scare me into sticking around. I've read that cremating an obese person is a pain for the one who performs the cremation, something about the fat and grease mucking up the kiln/oven whatever you call it. And what if my body didn't fit nicely into the door? Would they need to disassemble my parts to burn me? My death seemed to be a burden and a bother and a pain to all involved afterwards.
So my brain knew that the only way I could comfortably commit was if I either had money set aside to ease the financial burden, or I lost the weight so I could kill myself as a regular weighted person.
I also understand that on a biological level the body wants to keep living, and that suicide is a mental override of those innate instincts. So if I had deeply internalized "I can't kill myself until I'm thin".... Why would my brain/body want to become and stay thin if that would lead to the finalization of my suicide? Even when I cut and counted calories, even when I exercised, anytime I lost a substantial amount of weight I would go into a horribly paralyzing depressive episode lasting months ... And of course the weight would come back. The most I've managed to steadily lose was 90 lbs over the course of a year, but after another trauma sent tremors through my nervous system, it was put back on in under a year.
So I'm just a massive person. And I know that I take up "too much" space, I don't fit nicely into waiting room chairs, or movie theater seats, my fat spills out over the cup holders in the car, I can't wrap a towel around my body, I can't find clothes i like in my size so I've accepted a life of plain t shirts and sweat pants. I am very familiar with how fat people are viewed online. I've seen/heard every insult in the book. I know that the sight of me disgusts and offends entire groups of people, whose days are simply ruined if they have to spend any time near me and my fat. I've seen accusations that fat people are clogging all the healthcare and thin people can't get the care they need since fat people bloat the system, so I stopped seeking out care at the hospital, I stopped going to the doctor, I didn't want to take away someone's healthcare. I'm a large target, an easy target, and I guess I deserve it because I can't just pull myself together and fix it. But the shame and the bullying never motivated me to get out and do something about it, it just made me make myself scarce and hide myself away from the world so people wouldn't have to look at me.
I decided I wanted to live last summer. It just didn't seem like I was going to die by my own hands, and obesity wasn't killing me like I was led to believe it would, no high blood pressure, no cholesterol issues, no thyroid issues, no diabetes, no pre-diabetes, I'm just large. There is no doubt there is strain on my joints but that's not exactly killing me... I need surgery but can't get it because of my BMI being nearly 50. I would have a higher quality of life if I went through with the surgery. You'd think that would be enough motivation to lose it. But it isn't. I don't know why. I don't know what it's going to take to get me to make the changes needed to lose the weight for good. I saw my doctor, which was hard to do because I didn't want to steal healthcare from someone else, and I asked about the glp-1 shots, it would help with the "food noise" I've been told, it'll restore your natural hunger signals and make you feel full longer, and with such a high BMI I should have qualified for insurance to cover it for me. But they denied it. Because I don't have any obesity related health concerns it technically falls under sole the purpose of weight loss, and the insurance won't cover weight loss treatments. I'm too healthy of a fat person. I cried all the way home.
I think my brain is afraid I'll kill myself the moment I can comfortably fit in a regular sized casket. And I can't guarantee that I won't.
Has anyone had anything like this? I honestly feel really alone in this experience. Please no diet or weight loss advice, I know you mean well and just want to help, but I assure you I understand how to lose weight, I've lost weight before with CICO and gentle exercise, I know how it works, I know that it works, it's worked before. My weight is directly entangled with my childhood trauma and my chronic suicidal ideation, and that's the angle I wish to have any discussion about here. I thank you for understanding.