u/Justaskingsmth

I guess I just wonder in perhaps quite an insecure way if I hadn’t found out about asexuality, would I still feel ace or queer at all? What would be different? like some bizarre worry that I “convinced” myself that I’m ace and messed up my attraction development as a result.

which I’m aware sounds so ridiculous 😭 I suppose I wonder if anyone can relate?? For context, I’m 19 and can confidently say I have NEVER experienced sexual attraction.
I discovered asexuality when I was only 11 though and pretty much immediately identified with it because I was baffled at how my peers could fathom love and attraction And figured I was probably “weird” for not relating.

I actually now identify as queer aroace so I have had my fair share of revelations and matured in my internalisation of my identity & whatnot since then.

it’s just that 11 seems so young to “Know”. Like I’d argue I didn’t “know” I just sorta guessed 💀? And every now and then I think “what if I’m not ace? What if I just stunted my ability to feel sexual attraction because I decided when I was 11 that I was sex repulsed and so I never let myself feel anything????”
(Mind you I don’t consider myself repulsed anymore. Just totally indifferent)

it’s so dumb but idkkkkk 😭 definitely the sort of thing I would like to unpack with my community I suppose :’)

For context I’m an emetophobe (potential trigger words in this for fellow emetophobes) so Big Excitement that causes tummy pain and nausea sets off a whole panic cycle for me.

The first concert I ever went to last year I could barely eat beforehand. I had things mostly under control…like I was terrified but coping- until I ran up a flight of stairs whilst dehydrated, needed to cough, and violently dry heaved which set off a HUGE panic attack

I managed with the show itself but I have zero memory of it and I kept needing to box breathe throughout the show. Sips of water definitely helped.

The next concert I went to I was so paranoid of repeating that experience that I was nauseous the entire time, have no memory of it other than feeling scared, and towards the end started panicking quite badly. The pre-jitters weren’t as bad because the artist had less emotional attachment for me

But this year I am seeing my hyperfixation in concert. that is a BIG DEAL. I want to enjoy myself so so so bad.

I have an edge seat so I can “escape” which helps but I just want to feel NORMAL. I want to feel excited and not feel nauseous. I don’t want to have a body with a stomach that hurts and a heart that palpitates. Is there anything I can do 😭??? I just saw a tweet of someone saying they actually threw up before a concert they were excited about once and that has frightened me terribly (I’ve never thrown up from anxiety yet but I have come close. That dry heave last year was so intense and so scary and in front of like 100 people too 😭)