I envy people that have routines, socialize, go unbothered, brains don’t ruminate, don’t live on auto for threats of people and safety, have healthy relationships and partners, that thrive and don’t live in my head or body.
I’ve been a repetitive state of triggers the past 6-7 months or so and it’s taken its toll. I find myself in this circle repeatedly in life that I can’t seem to escape and it’s takes sooooo much to get out of this dark spot and get my nervous system to a baseline (I’ve accepted and know I’m very different and my baseline is different) even from people that I know that have CPTSD but wear the masks and never have dived to do any healing.
I’ve done EMDR a couple times (only got through ONE major trauma) and have had a therapist I’ve prayed for that I’ve had for a couple years and plan to do more EMDR for my childhood. I’ve lost me and my kids health insurance so I’m self paying my therapist, so I’ve been going less or had to abstain periods.
I lost my dog of 15 years this past week and as everything was already going to shit and have been in a triggered state(mostly by toxic workplace) I think my dog loss broke my brain now for a bit. (Death and grief are also big triggers)
My dog was an emotional support for me and I feel sooooo depressed, empty, void, dead inside, and the quiet from her being gone is LOUD.
If I didn’t have a kid, I wouldn’t be here. I’ve known that since my first child over 20 years ago. My other kid is grown and that relationship isn’t healthy either right now as of recent this week, a fight happened. I cannot tolerate abuse, gaslighting and the like anymore as it is extremely triggering and after doing some real inner work and some healing I’ve finally started speaking up or seeing relationships with clarity that were not good for me the past few years and it’s cost me many relationships, pain and compounded grief.
I’ve been the one to blame, crazy, hurtful, got ignored, shamed, and gaslit but thankGOD for my trauma therapist that finally fucking Validated me.
I’ve had to forgive my sisters that aren’t even sorry or ever take accountability and accept them for where they are or have no relationship. There has been barely any relationship the past couple years with them because I’ve called things out and that’s one thing I dared not do. Most contact is always me because of I’m responsible for my mom that has dementia. When there is contact it’s always me and having to pretend…like we’ve done our whole lives.
I’ve been surrounded by unhealth and trauma my whole life. I feel safe at home in solitude best and wonder if this will be the fate and for the rest of my life and for that it makes me question God, these cycles, my purpose and why I was meant to go through everything I have. In my 20s and early thirties I coped in many unhealthy ways, self destruction and self sabotage but was very outgoing and social but also was more detrimental and went through more trauma due to it.
I appreciate my blessings and life hasn’t all been bad cuz I know I sound like a huge Debbie downer but I’m also done invalidating my own reality I feel and live in daily.
I’ve been positive, optimistic, prayed, promised myself and worked on my healing for years now diligently (40F) to get better because I don’t want to keep living my life like this and die early. I’ve had multiple surgeries and Heath issues in my past and of the recent year thank God have had none and good health besides my mental of course!
But with the stress, triggers and grief I’ve had the past 6-7 months I’m feeling defeated by being in this cycle again only having to crawl out this Hell hole yet again once my nervous system settles down. I’ve taken a leave from my job this week for the next 3 months to care for my mother that has late stage dementia that is a whole nother thing but I’m actually looking forward to the silver linings in it despite the toughness.
I feel like I’m just one fucking sad story and live this domino effect in my life all the time in these cycles.
It’s hard to relate to people, to talk to people genuinely, to feel joy, people avoid me and life has been isolating enough that I actually seek it for safety and my nervous system. I have one best friend and I’m truly grateful for since it’s a life long friend. She is totally opposite of me though and does not do emotions much or talk about her own so I feel like a burden and alot!
It’s embarrassing and sometimes I don’t even think people believe me when I tell them like at work I had surgery, am sick, my kid is sick, my dog died, my mom is not doing good because it’s just been so much shit. They probably think I’m full of shit. I’ve thought these were supposed to be my prime years, my good years but yet I reflect and I feel like I don’t even know who I am and don’t have a life because I’m too busy taking care of responsibilities and trying to survive.
Meanwhile, I envy the people that can go through life and go through one change or loss once in a blue moon and bounce quickly back or don’t seem to go through much at all like barely ever or are surrounded by supportive and loving friends and family!
I don’t even know my whole point in all this but I just found this group, been reading and feel I can relate to some folks in here.
Thank you for reading if you even read all of it, but it felt good to write some things out. Maybe someone can relate or understand cuz no one but my therapist, that gets paid to listen to me does lol.