Just a little update on my friendship with "the friend I've always wanted".
Several months ago, I made a post called I've got "the friend I've always wanted", and it's been healing and eye opening. Since it's been a number of months, I thought I might give a little update.
Things have continued to surprise me (in a good way). Joe has officially been my good friend for an entire year now. For some reason, in my head, I KNEW it would be real if he actually stuck around for a year. And he has. And things have continued to change in me as well.
The biggest thing is that, inside of me now, things are "settled". I don't have the urge to try and spend as much time with Joe as I possibly can. I still enjoy my time with him, but if we don't communicate at all for a week, it's totally OK. And I can tell myself that I'm not as "needy" as I was before. Everything deep within me is fully convinced that Joe isn't going anywhere. I think it's what is generally referred to as "secure attachment". And even the juvenile longings that I had (cuddling next to him or hugging his leg like a small child would want to do) have dissipated.
My counselor equated everything to me having been starving to death for so long. When I finally found connection (food), I wanted to eat as much of it as I possibly could. But now, I'm full, so I'm not ravenously trying to gorge myself as much as possible.
Even just this week, I was supposed to see Joe at a meeting on Thursday, but the meeting got cancelled at the last minute. Instead of being really disappointed that I wouldn't get to see Joe (as would have happened in the past), it's a complete non issue. I'll get to see him on Sunday. And even if he won't be at church on Sunday, that's still OK. Even when I don't get to see him, he's not going anywhere.
One thing that really shocked me happened about a month ago. Joe and I went to lunch after church, and Joe ended up telling me about a new personal project he was excited about. At lunch, he ended up inviting me over to his apartment to show me what he'd been up to. I ended up staying over there the entire afternoon. While he was showing me his project, I needed to use the bathroom. There was actually a bathroom right next to where we were, but when I asked, Joe offered to let me use the master bathroom. I ended up taking him up on that offer because I don't like other people nearby if I have to do #2, which I did. So I went in to his bathroom, did my business, and returned. But the surprising thing is that all I did was use the bathroom and then return. Several months ago, I still wanted to know absolutely everything I possibly could about Joe. Getting to look around his bathroom and examine every minute detail would have been like winning a jackpot. But at the same time, it would be a challenge to control myself and NOT open every drawer and cabinet in there. But that day, not only did I not have to fight the urge to be nosy, the thought never even crossed my mind that I could do that.
And now, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that Joe is my best friend and I am one of Joe's best friends. We don't spend every minute together that we possibly could... and that's OK because neither of us would want to. I don't believe the friendship is unhealthy in any way. And our interactions are mutual; sometimes I'm initiating things and sometimes he is. And I'm not trying to spend as much time with Joe as possible... in fact, we were at a church event together last weekend, and of all of my interactions with other men, only 10% of that was with Joe.
The one thing I will add about our friendship, where Joe isn't "the friend I've always wanted" is the fact that we're not together as much as possible. We're not doing everything together that we possibly could. We're not "attached at the hip". And after seeing what my friendship with Joe can be like, I don't need a friend like that, and I don't think it would be healthy.